Dave has a new neighbour – a well known local villain – and is soon in his debt

DAVE: Not a big deal. I’ve been out there burying a body.
JULIE Yes. So.
DAVE: A body, Julie, a body.
JULIE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What exactly are you saying you’ve just done?
DAVE: I keep telling you – I’ve buried a body. And you knew all about it. I must say I find your attitude bloody extraordinary. I’ve just buried a body for Chrissake.

A rich landowner confronts a trespasser

RADSHAW NOW GET OFF MY LAND.
STUMPY Well I would very much like to. But I’m afraid I can’t.
RADSHAW Why not?
STUMPY You said I can’t use your land as a footpath
RADSHAW Yes.
STUMPY But, in order to get off your land, I’m going to have to use it as a footpath. So I'll need to ascend vertically. And the only person I know who can ascend vertically is Jesus. And even he probably only did it metaphorically.

Robert thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He forgets that God has a sense of irony.

Ellie: So – you’re an expert on seducing women. I can’t say I’d noticed.
Robert: I’ve had my moments, when I was young, before we met, as a matter of fact. Got a few notches on my pistol in those days, I can tell you.
Ellie: Really. I assumed they were warts.

A rich northern couple move into a quaint village but it is not the idyl they expected.

VICAR I don’t think we’ve met, have we?
HARRIS No we haven’t. We only moved t’village a month ago.
VICAR Really? And will we be seeing you in church?
HARRIS Not while I’m still breathin’. You’ll ‘ave to forgive my plain speaking. I’m from the North.
VICAR Really? Who’d’ve thought?

A keen young supermarket buyer explains farming to a farmer who has seen it all

MATT It’s Buy one. Get One Free. You see, Will, from our perspective, there’s two types of people who come into our stores. The ones who came in to buy bacon. And the ones who didn’t. Now it’s easy enough to sell bacon to the ones that came into buy bacon. But what if we could also sell bacon, to people who didn’t come in to buy bacon. Sales of bacon would go though the roof. That is the simple beauty that is BOGOF.

A father takes over a failing football team and they start to win gain. But at what cost?

CHALKIE Well I’ll tell you what, you can give ‘em a message from me. It’s cold. It’s wet. It’s Saturday afternoon and I’ve got a thousand better things I could be doing than trying to turn these kids into footballers just because their stupid ignorant parents think they’ve bred a dozen David Beckhams. And if you think you can do better with this lot, then be my guest because I’m off. I’m going shopping with the wife and I never thought I’d say this, but I’m quite looking forward to it

Linda’s friend leaves his briefcase behind. Why is he begging her not to open it?

KERRY . Just accept it, birthdays are crap. You get a few totally unfunny cards, a couple of presents you don’t want. And you have to buy everyone cakes in the office. Oh yes, and you get to be a year older, so you’re even more of an ugly old maid, rejected by men. Except the ones who should be in a freak show.
LINDA But I like birthdays. I like unfunny cards and rubbish presents. And I like cakes in the office. I’ve always look forward to my birthday. You never know. I might have some aunt somewhere I don’t know about who’s going to send me a lovely present.

Neville orders an escort for the first time but gets more than he bargained for

LEXA: What happens now is... we have a little chat. You tell me what you want to do. I tell you what it's going to cost. You pay me, and then... and then, off we go.
NEVILLE: OK. Right.
LEXA: So, Neville, what is it you want to do?
NEVILLE: Well, you know, normal stuff.
LEXA: Normal stuff?
NEVILLE: Nothing kinky.
LEXA: Now he tells me. I just dragged that bag up three flights