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Harry's life falls apart after his hands are amputated and replaced with those of a serial killer. (35 Mins. 3M 2F 1Either)
Hot off the press
HARRY: Before I went into that operating theatre I had two perfectly good hands. What have you done with them?
SURGEON: Have you encountered the expression medical malpractice, Mr Mainwaring?
SURGEON: Right. Good, good. Come to think of it, I did think it strange you already had hands - I was led to believe they'd been chopped off by a malfunctioning bacon slicer.
HARRY: That must have been a bit of a clue, mustn't it, that I already had hands?
SURGEON: I just assumed they must have been only partially severed. Alright normally, but if you clapped too hard, they'd go flying across the room.
DAWN OF THE DEAF
The knives are out when a middle class couple meet their prospective daughter-in-law. Meanwhile a malevolent mob surround the house.
Runner up for the Kenneth Branagh Award for New Drama Writing 2015 (4/271), in the Ronald Duncan Prize at the Certainty of Chance Theatre Company 2012 and also in the Headgate Theatre, Colchester, competition 2015. “An excellent script. It was incredibly funny with some very well-crafted characters. The dialogue was hilarious” (Certainty of Chance Theatre) (45 min 2M 2F Voices off.)
NORMAN I’ve spent forty years staring at the soles of people’s feet. That's long enough, isn’t it. You only get 20 years for armed robbery.
JOY Podiatry. What sort of job was that? He should have been a surgeon. We’d have had that house years ago. It’s name your salary in the private sector.
NORMAN I’ve done the job long enough. I needed to stop to preserve some vestige of dignity. Dignity. (PATTING HIS POCKETS) Now where on Earth did I leave my dignity.
SENSE AND SENSIBLENESS
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife. Or failing that, a quick one behind the sofa.(30 mins 2F 2M)
Winner of the Stagefright competition as part of the London Horror Festival in 2014 and the Supernova prize at the Bench Theatre in 2013 (35 min 2M 2F)
MOTHER Our only hope is if we can find a husband for you. Otherwise we are destined to live our life in penury.
AMBER Oh mother, you know I hate Penury – it hasn't even got a Waitrose.
MOTHER If we can just marry you off to some member of the aristocracy before they realise how stupid you are, we’ll be home and dry.
AMBER Don’t forget my accomplishments.
MOTHER Your what?
AMBER My accomplishments: I can colour in pictures, I can tie my shoelaces, I can play the gramophone.
DIAL H FOR HOME IMPROVEMENTS
Hitchcock meets Coward: When Roger finds an urgent need to murder his wife, he's scouring the Yellow Pages for a suitable tradesman.
Entirely unperformed and available for a World Premier now (30 mins. 1F 2M)
ROGER: I want you to murder my wife.
DOUBLE GLAZING SALESMAN:(BEMUSED) Right? (CHECKS CLIP BOARD) No, no, it just says here: four windows, two doors and possibly the patio doors. Doesn't mention anything about murdering anyone.
ROGER: Well, obviously I didn't write it on the form. You can't be too careful with these things. We are talking about murder.
ROGER: Yes, murder.
DGS:The thing is, we do double-glazing, you know, mainly. We are looking at some insulation - cladding, cavity wall and so on, but our primary focus is, you know, the glazing.
Freud faces his ultimate challenge as he goes to work on the devil's hangups
Entirely unperformed and available for a World Premier now (40 mins. 2M)
MR BUB Oh yes. I used to have these terrible headaches. Used to last for days on end. I had to lie in a dark room wearing ear plugs.
FREUD It is true the mind can manifest psychological hurt as actual, physical pain.
MR BUB Yes, he definitely sorted out the headaches. (BEAT) Of course having that bullet removed from my skull also helped a bit.
Alice is on trial for her failures as a woman, a wife and a mother
Guilty was originally performed professionally at the Wolsey Theatre
Ipswich.(40 min. 2M 1F. Radio, stage and shorter versions available)
ALICE She tuts because there isn't one. She actually expects me to spend my Christmas morning sweating over 20lbs of dead flesh. Matthew has a turkey. If she wants a turkey why can't she go to him. My sister-in-law cooks a perfect turkey. And mum’s always going on about what a success he is - He's got his own business, kids in public school - Of course that's why he can't visit her. Because he's so busy isn't he. Whereas me, I'm not too busy. I have all the time in the world to spend with my mother. Because I'm just a housewife. And not even a very good housewife at that.
PROSECUTOR Mothers and daughters are always closer.
ALICE Are they? Is that a law or something? I mean, when was it passed? I don't remember the debate in Parliament. Who made it a law?
THE END OF THE WORLD (AS WE KNOW IT)
Two Russian soldiers are waiting for Godotoff in missile silo in Siberia (45 min 2M 1F)
Short listed for the British Theatre Challenge.
NICOLAI Now we must do the missile count. According to my records you have one missile.
NICOLAI No, no, comrade it is not sufficient to say ‘Yes’. We must complete the missile count according to the Missile Count Procedure Protocol. Are you ready to commence the Missile Count Procedure?
NICOLAI Commence the Missile Count Procedure.
NICOLAI Correct. That concludes the Missile Count Procedure.
THE ADULTERER AND MR MOLE
Davies goes to an interview with Mr Mole, who seems to know everything about his life, including things he didn't know himself (25 min 2M)
The Adulterer and Mr Mole was a winner in Sky Blue British Theatre Challenge 2015 and is to be made into a film.(20 mins 2M)
MOLE I've got this other graph to show you. I think it might help, you see, if we step back a bit. (TYPES AT HIS KEYBOARD) This graph plots the long lunch hours you and Miss Richards took over the last two years. See. Fairly consistent at first. Then, over the last few months, a slow, but distinct, decline. I'll just put a trend line on it, like so, extend the axis and... you see, your affair is going to end the minute that trend line hits the horizontal axis. Which is. 10:30 on the 2nd February next year.
DAVIES That just ridiculous.
MOLE I’m joking. I don’t know the actual time. Just the day.
THE ENGLISH DUDE
Terrible happenings an English public school, as the upper classes are trained to run the country
Originally performed professionally and the Wolsey Theatre Ipswich (35 mins. 4M)
I do hope things are better at home. Confining father to the tower was probably the best thing to do in the circumstances. It's hard enough to get staff these days without having them nailed to the outhouses. I'm afraid things here at St Mosley's are not much better, all in all. Mussolini house still haven’t won a single competition - not in rugby or cricket or even Chase the Black. Mind you, we have had a lot of jolly bad luck. Just to give you one example: it was our turn to run the school foundry this year and wouldn’t you know it, the government have banned the under-tens from working with molten metal - and I thought the Conservatives were supposed to cut through all this red tape! Manoeuvres were just as bad - we lost two boys in Pinkley’s Quag. They said we shouldn’t have shot those boys but we were already an hour behind and there was fat chance of us being the first to stick the flag in Old Binjy as it was. Mr Offaly - you know, dear old PD - says we need new blood in the house, but the quality of new boys declines every year. They even let a coloured boy in this year. He was green.
A psychiatrist probes the past of a patient who has developed an unnatural fascination with blood
Short Listed for the London Horror Festival (15 min. 2M)
PHIBES: We are, but first we must explore the hidden depths of the mind. You see, you describe your parents as nice, normal people. But the mind has ways of pushing horrible things deep, deep into the subconscious. Hiding them away for decades until they break through the surface in the most bizarre and pernicious ways. I had a patient once who had an overwhelming fear of pineapples. After three years of therapy I discovered he had informed his twin brother that the only way to eat pineapples was to swallow them whole. Of course his brother died in dreadful agony, his throat distended into the shape of a pineapple.
WIGGINS: And I suppose you cured him of his fear of pineapples?
PHIBES: Not entirely no, but after extensive therapy he could allow himself to be in the proximity of a tin of pineapple chunks for over two minutes without actually throwing himself out of the window. I had moved to the ground floor by then.
REVENGE OF THE MUTANT COCKLE
A giant homicidal mollusc is threatening the shores of Great Britain
Runner up in the All-England Play Competition in 2012. Originally performed professionally at the Wolsey Theatre, Ipswich (40 mins. 4M 1F)
CORPORAL It's a very dangerous mission, sir.
GENERAL Did I say dangerous? I don't mean dangerous, men. I mean suicidal. You'll go out there and that cockle will reach out with its tentacles and, one by one, it'll smash you out of the sky.
CORPORAL Couldn't we send the British instead, Sir.
GENERAL We're here to protect the British and only to kill in the event of the Labour Party taking power.
GENERAL Now men I would never ask you to do anything I wouldn’t do myself.
CORPORAL Will you be leading the mission then, sir?
GENERAL No. I will be in the heavily fortified bunker here watching it all through high-powered binoculars. It’s going to be tough because the waiting is the hardest thing
FROM BRUSSELS WITH FISH
James Bond is suffering from bronchitis, an embarrassing social disease and his glamorous sidekick has PMT
Entirely unperformed and available for a World Premier now (40 mins 4M 1F)
Q: Ah, well then what you need is a gun. (PRODUCES A GUN) Take a look at this one. You see the bullet goes in here. You pull this trigger thing and the bullet comes out of this hole. Bloody clever. Not only that but its got six thingies here.. .
Q:That's it, chambers. So you kill six people without putting any more bullets in.
BOND:I know what a gun is Q. I am licensed to kill, remember. What I'm looking for is something like a wristwatch to kill people..
Q:(CHUCKLES) No, no, no. James you're getting all mixed up. It often happens with this technical stuff. See. Gun: kill people. Wristwatch: Tell the time. I mean if you got them mixed up, you could check if it's time for lunch and blow your leg off. I've seen it happen
THE WOMAN IN BLACK II: DON'T CALL ME BABE
A solicitor visits the sinister Marsh House to make arrangements for its sale. But what malevolent forces await him there?
Entirely unperformed and available for a World Premier now (45min 4M 1F)
DANVERS: This is no ordinary house. It's a terrible house, evil, malevolent. It lives.
PATSY: Well, we'll probably not mention that to the estate agent.
DANVERS: No estate agent with integrity would handle the sale of this terrible place.
PATSY: Probably just as well there aren't any then.
DANVERS: Oh it's fine and dandy in the daylight. But when the mist slides in across the causeway and tide starts lapping at the front gate. The night closes in and all hope dies. That's when it shows it's true colours
Dave accepts a favour from a neighbouring criminal and now it's payback time
Entirely unperformed and available for a World Premier now. (Radio 35 mins 2M 1F)
DAVE:I just took it for its MOT. Failed of course. Miserably. And it's going to cost at least a grand to get it fixed. I've been hoping that someone might steal it. But then who'd want to nick a car like this?
MERV:You'd be surprised. They'll nick anything, kids these days, dunno what's the matter with 'em. When I was their age, I only went for quality
DAVE:I don't think even kids would want this one.
MERV: Fing is, these things can be like arranged y'know.
DAVE:What d'you mean?
MERV:Well believe it or not, there's certain disreputable sorts who'd nick anything if it ain't nailed darn.(PAUSE) 'specially if I ask 'em to.
Shark! What Shark?
A small town is threatened by a giant shark (40 mins. Cast 6)
Selected by the Real Deal Theatre for the Popcorn Saturday Series
MAYOR: Gentlemen, Gentlemen. Let's try and keep this in perspective. Let's just say for the sake of argument there was a shark out there. Now, we're expecting 100,000 visitors over the weekend and let's say a couple of them get eaten by a shark - That means that 99.98 per cent of people are going to be entirely untroubled by shark attacks. I mean, we always lose a couple on that old roller coaster anyway, plus there's usually a dozen or so fatalities on the road. That means you're ten times more likely to be run over, or get an arm sheared off on the old roller coaster than you are to be eaten by a shark.