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Now let’s get something straight, shall we, I don’t like children. I’ve got nothing against you personally. I just don’t like children per se. That’s why I don’t have any. What I do have is a career. And your mother simply refuses to understand that. She still thinks that we should all love one another. If God had wanted us to love one another he wouldn’t have made ugly and stupid people. And that’s another thing I hate – stupid people. Now you’re going to be here for a few weeks so let’s get some rules straight. I don’t cook. When you come home from school you take a ready meal from the cupboard, put it in the microwave, eat it and then put the plate in the dishwasher. You make your own beds and keep your rooms tidy. There’s a laundry basket and a woman comes in to do the laundry. I don’t know her name. She’s probably very nice. So. Any questions?

Winner International Windsor Fringe Kenneth Branagh Award for new drama.


No, being a total moron, I don’t suppose I would. Look, since everything I say is wrong, I am not going to waste time arguing with you. Do what you want. Go and play with the paedophiles in the park.And when you fail all your exams, and end up flipping burgers in McDonalds, don’t come blaming me.

Winner INK Festival 2020. Performed at the INK Festival 2024. Currently filming


Your grandchildren will sit at your feet, entranced by your tales of Boris the Eight Foot Russian Giant. They will gasp as you chronicle your encounter with Pentapus the Two-headed Cat. They will hide their eyes as you describe the Lovely Mermaid swimming in a giant tank of water with no means of breathing apart from her gills. They will gaze in admiration as you tell them about the Disembodied Head engaging you in conversation, and the Magic Mushroom crawling from one side of the tent to the other. And most of all, they will swoon at the very mention of the Sleeping Beauty


Anyway. Must be off. Affairs of state. Couple of hangings to arrange. Oh, and that village to be razed. Honestly these people will never learn will they? Harbouring the devil again. Just because you can’t see or hear him doesn’t mean he’s not there. By the by, once the fire dies down, coincidentally, it’ll be the perfect place for my new stables. Still. It’s an ill wind, as they say.


MALCOLM: She can't spend the rest of her life in her room. This has been going on... How long has it been going on?
SARAH: One year, one week and two days. Roughly. One year, one week and two days since the little bastard stabbed her in the heart and slunk away.
MALCOLM: She just needs a good talking to.
SARAH: Gosh, do you think so? You don't think the semaphore is working then?
MALCOLM: We're just indulging her. We've let it go on and on. I really think it's about time to draw the line. It's what she needs.
SARAH: Is it? If only I'd known, I could have just drawn a line. It would have saved so much... hassle, so much... heartache.
MALCOLM: I don't think sarcasm helps.
SARAH: Funny that. Because I find sarcasm helps a great deal.