And so farewell John Rendall.
You were most famous for having
A pet lion
There are many reasons for not having,
A pet lion.
But here is the most preeminent:
They will tear your throat out and eat you.
Which is why a tortoise would make a better pet
Although they would probably tear your throat out and eat you,
If they could catch you

And so farewell Ronnie Spector. You married that well known impressionist impreserio imprisaario producer
Phil Spector.
Who used to go to recording sessions
With a loaded gun,
To shoot anyone who was playing badly,
Hence the high casualty rate amongst the Bay City Rollers.

And so farewell Lionel Blair.
You were born in 1928, and in 1931, and then again in 1933,
Depending on how old you were that week.
You used to sing and dance for people
Hiding in the shelters during the Blitz.
You’d’ve thought they’d suffered enough.
Some people said you danced like Fred Astaire,
But then again,
What do these blind people know.

And so farewell Sir Clive Sinclair.
You invented the digital watch
Which didn’t tell the time.
And the slimline pocket calculator Which couldn’t add up.
Then came the ZX80, the ZX81 and the Quantum Leap
This was before they discovered,
That computers could do something useful.
And then you revolutionised motor transport with the C5
An electric babe magnet way ahead of its time.
It had the little red flag at the back.
So that lorry drivers could keep track
Of how many they’d run over.

And so farewell Lionel Blair.
You were born in 1928, and in 1931, and then again in 1933,
Depending on how old you were that week.
You used to sing and dance for people
Hiding in the shelters during the Blitz.
You’d’ve thought they’d suffered enough.
Some people said you danced like Fred Astaire,
But then again,
What do these blind people know.

And so farewell Christopher Lee.
Your favourite role was Dracula,
With the flaming red eyes.
But you also played Scaramouche in The Spy with the Golden Gun.
Scaramouche Scaramouche, will you do the Fandago?
(Probably not)

And so farewell Vera Lynn.
You were the forces' sweetheart in World War 2,
Which was the sequel to World War 1.
Your biggest hit was,
There'll be Bluebirds over the white cliffs of Dover.
Which doesn't really make sense because Bluebirds only live in North America.
For more accuracy I suggest,
There'll be starlings over.
The mud flats of Cromer.

And so farewell Christo Vladimirov Javacheff.
Your partner was Jeanne-Claude Van Damme.
You were famous for covering the Reichstag and Pont Neuf in cloth,
And surrounding tropical islands with pink plastic.
They say your artworks brought people together.
Which is true. They all stood around looking and asking
“What's the f***king point of that?”

And so farewell Australian feral cats.
The Aussies are squirting poison at you.
You have become a nuisance because you kill off,
Bilbies, burrowing bettongs, western quolls,
Stick-nest rats and western barred bandicoots.
Come on Aussies, own up.
You just made that lot up,
You just don't like cats,

And so farewell Lynn Faulds Wood.
Were you a carpenter originally?
Watchdog: That was the show that made you famous.
Dealing with all sorts of dangers in the kitchen such as:
That knife you are using to chop tomatoes,
Could be used to STAB SOMEONE TO DEATH.
And that garlic press seems innocuous enough,
But what if it got into the hands of a HOMICIDAL MANIAC.

And so farewell Bill Withers.
Lovely Day, that was your big hit.
Just one look at you And I know it's gonna be a lovely day.
(Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day)
(Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day)
A lovely day
(Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day)
(Lovely day, lovely day, lovely day, lovely day)
Anyway, Bill, what's the weather like down your way?

And so farewell Julie Felix.
We're going to the zoo,
That was your biggest hit:

We're goin' to the zoo, zoo, zoo
How about you, you, you?
You can come too, too, too
We're goin' to the zoo, zoo, zoo.

Well yer can't, it's shut.

And so farewell Kenny Lynch.
Up on the Roof that was your biggest hit:
When this old world starts a getting me down
And people are just too much for me to face
I'll climb way up to the top of the stairs and all my cares just drift right into space

Personally speaking, I think, if you're feeling a bit depressed,
Up on the roof is the last place you want to be.

And so farewell Notre Dame.
The fireman bought the blaze under control,
As soon as the alarm went off. After they'd finished their dinner,
And once they'd finished their coffee, brandy and petit fours,
It took them 200 years to build Notre Dame,
That's because the stone masons did a 25 hour week,
And have two hours off for lunch.

And so farewell Richard Baker.
You read the news on the Telly.
That's about it, really.
Metro for sale £500

And so farewell Christine Keeler
You were that tart who sat on that chair,
Facing the wrong way,
Starkers and,
Had sex with that bald bloke.
I would like to be famous,
But I’m not doing that.

And so farewell Dale Winton and Larry Grayson,
According to Wikipedia you were both gay.
I didn't realise this.
I just thought you were orange.



And so farewell Rodney Bewes
Whatever happened to
Whatever happened to
The Likely Lads, I wonder.

And so farewell Hell.
It was all a big mistake, apparently.
If you are sinner, you don't go to hell.
You just go nowhere at all.
Somewhere like Dovercourt or Stevenage.
Although we might just keep one red hot poker,
For Stormy Daniels to use on Donald Trump.

And so farewell Keith Chegwin.
You were best known for The Multicolour Swap Shop,
And Cheggers Plays Pop.
Less successful was Naked Jungle,
Due to excessive dangling.

And so farewell Mohammed Ali
You suffered from Parkinson's Disease.
Which meant you had to listen to
old celebrities telling anecdotes
And laughing hysterically
What a terrible way to go.

Et alors adieu Johnny Hallyday.
Your vrai name était Jean-Philippe Smet.
Je wonder pourquoi vous changéd it.
Vous étiez l'Elvis Presley de France
Mais everywhere else vous étiez Johnny Qui?
En vérité,
1) Vous étiez n'est pas much good.
2) Vous soldez 100 million records en France, mais aboutez six dans la real world
3) La musique française est basicment rubbish, exceptez pour Jean Michel Jarre. Actualment, il est rubbish aussi

Let's all sing une de Johnny Hallyday songs célèbres.
Anybody know any ?

And so farewell David Cassidy
You were a member of the Partridge Family. Which is unusual.
Most humans belong to the Home Sapiens family.

And so farewell Carla Lane.
The Liver Birds that was the name of your sitcom.
And then there was the one called Bread.
Who knows why. Maybe it was because they said,
'Dey do dough, dont dey dough.'

And so farewell Tom Petty.
Singer and songwriter supreme.
Free Fallin'.
That was one of your songs.
I Won't Back Down.
So was that.
American Girl.
And that.
Learning to Fly.
And that
. There's No One Else Like Grandma.
That wasn't.
Crazy Frog.
Nor was that.

And so farewell Tony Booth,
Father-in-law to Tony Blair.
You are what they call a 'Scouser'.
Apparently 'Scousers' are people who wear
Track suits and drink heavily and get into fights
And can only be pacified by the mantra:
'A U, Cyalm down, cyalm down.'

And so farewell Tobe Hooper,
Horror director supreme.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,
That was your big hit.
The Willesden Strimmer Slasher
Did less well, and
The Barking Leaf Blower Relatively Minor Skirmish,
Went straight to DVD.

And so farewell Barry Norman, Marvellous,
And why not?


And so farewell Robert Mugabe.
You have done the sensible thing,
And submitted your resignation,
The fact that you signed, Whilst hanging upside down,
Over the crocodile enclosure,
May have facilitated your final decision.

And so farewell Robert M Pirsig.
Your most famous book was,
Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
Less successful was
Jehovah's Witnessing and Making Simple Cupcakes.
Buddhism and the Art of Killing Ants
Without Boiling the Kettle,

And so farewell
Sir Peter Maxwell-Davies.
Farewell To Stromness
That was your greatest hit.
How did it go again?

And so farewell Ken Dodd.
They say there are only two certainties in life:
Death and taxes. Even now the Inland Revenue are breaking out the crow bars.
Stand aside please
We need to check this coffin.

And so it's farewell Keith Emerson.
You stuck daggers into
your Hammond organ
For some reason.
You could say
You are now officially
Beyond 'ELP

Et alors au revoir Gordon Kaye.
Votre plus mond hit etais
Zoot Alors!! Zoot Alors!!.

“Ecoutez moi tres carefulment, je volonté dit cette seulement un”
“Bon moaning”
“Vous ette un femme stupide”
“Femme la bouche, vous sillé vieux bat.”
Comment nous chucklé et chucklé !!

And so farewell Barbara Windsor.
You were landlady at the Old Vic.
Get out of my pub, that was your catchphrase.
As you passed in the street people would exclaim
“Phwoar! Don't get many of them to the pound.”
I think they meant she was quite large.

And so farewell Dave Prowse.
You were The Green Cross Man and also Darth Vader.
They refused to use your real voice in Star Wars:

Them thar Starm Troopers done a grand job, did'nus.
Come to kill me 'ave you, oo ark at 'e.
You don't not know the power of the Dark Side, me 'ansome'.
No, Luke, me lovely. I am your father, dy'wan a pasty? Yer 'tis.'

And so farewell Bobby Ball.
You were half of the duo Cannon and Ball.
Most comedy duos have,
A straight one and a funny one,
But you broke the mould.
Rock on, Tommy,
That was your catchphrase
How we laughed when you stretched your braces
And said Rock On, Tommy.
We never got tired of it.
Which is just as well.

And so farewell Terence Frisby
You did not, it seems, invent the frisbee,
To avoid further misundersanding
I suggest your tombstone has the engraving
. “Terence Frisby 1932 to 2020.
No, he did not invent the frisbee”

And so farewell Peter Stringfellow.
With your leopard skin thong,
And your natural flowing blond hair,
You were a magnet for the babes.
It is said that you slept with,
Thousands of women.
Which is why,
We should never have given them the vote.

And so farewell Nicholas Parsons.
You came from Grantham, where your father,
Delivered Margaret Thatcher, which was strange.
I always thought, they summoned her,
By standing in a pentagram and sacrificing a goat.

And so farewell Martin Peters.
Star of the World Cup 1966.
A lesser poet than what I am,
Might say something crass such as:
He thinks it's all over. It is now.
And so I say: Farewell Martin Peters. Along with all the other Peters,
You've finally petered out.
The crowd are round the coffin
They think it's all over. It is now.
DOH!

And so farewell Doris Day,
Film star, singer and founder of the Doris Day Animal Sanctuary.
Your most famous song was about someone
Suffering indecision in a Ford showroom:
“Que Sierra, Sierra”
She died surrounded by friends,
Probably raccoons.

And so farewell Pete Shelley,
Of the Buzzcocks.
Ever Fallen in Love (with Someone you shouldn't've) That was your big hit.
Here's some people this might apply to:
Donald Trump, Fred and Rosemary West, Lizzie Borden,
Jerry Lee Lewis, Jimmy Saville, Henry the 8th and Noël Edmunds. Oh, and Meghan Markle.

And so farewell Geoffrey,
Off Rainbow on the telly.
There was Bungle, the brown furry bear,
And Zippy, the cheeky one, and also George, the gay pink hippo,
Or did I just imagine that.

And so farewell Phil Sayer.
You have made your last announcement.
Your most famous saying was:
"Mind the Gap".
Your least famous saying was:
"The next train is on time"

And so farewell Stephen Hawkins.
You were the toppest scientist in the whole world.
You invented black holes,
Which gobble up everything around them,
But don't get any bigger,
That Pharaoh in Egypt had a similar problem with cows.
A Brief History of Time,
That was your bestseller,
Which I haven't quite finished yet,
But the first sentence was pretty good.

And so farewell Glen Campbell.
Wichita Lineman, that was your big hit.
Everybody sing:

I hear you singing in the wire, I can hear you through the whine
And the Wichita Lineman is still on the line.

Probably to BT Customer Services.

And so farewell Dr Bruce Aronwald You wrote the medical report on Donald Trump:

Donald Trump's blood pressure and laboratory test results were astonishingly excellent. Over the past twelve months, he has lost at least fifteen pounds, His physical strength and stamina are extraordinary. His cardiovascular status is excellent. If elected, Mr Trump, I can state unequivocally, Will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the presidency. Mr Trump is 100% totally not fat, bald or stupid. He often parts the sea to help Jews escape from the Egyptian chariots.

signed Donald Tr... oops, what a giveaway, no, no, I mean Dr Bruce Aronwald

And so farewell Pete Burns.
Your big hit was You Spin Me Round:

You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round
You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round

Yeah, yeah, alright we get it,
You got spun round a few times.
Get over it

And so farewell George W Bush. Calling his son George W Bush Was unnecessarily confusing. There are many other names and initials available. As a result, George W Bush (the younger) Is checking his pulse, To see if he's still alive.

And so farewell Les McKeown.
Who can forget the Bay City Rollers and their lyrics.

Yeah, we sang shang-a-lang
And we ran with the gang
Doin' doo-op-dooby-doo-i
xxx Shim sham sham a ram
Baby, I'm a ram

Sha La La La Loo
I used to sing to you

Here he comes, (here he comes)
Here comes the disco kid
Here he comes, (here he comes)
Here comes the disco kid
He's the one, (he's the one)
They call the disco kid.

They don’t write them like that anymore.

And so farewell to Henri Belolo.
You were a founder member of the Village People.
It was fun to stay at the YMCA,
For the free table tennis, no doubt.
In the navy, you could join your fellow man,
For a game of squash or some bird-spotting, I imagine.
Also, you could go west,
To Yeovil perhaps, or Bodmin.
But, even though they were the village people,
There wasn’t anyone sitting on the fence sucking a straw.

And so farewell Annie Ross.
You were a well known jazz singer, it says here. Jazz is similar to music
Except it's rubbish.
People who listen to jazz wear black turtle-neck sweaters
And smoke Gitanes,
Gitanes are similar to cigarettes
Except they're rubbish (and smell like old tyres)
Jazz is sued on the soundtrack of French New Wave films
Which are similar to ordinary films
Except they're rubbish
With no car chases, explosions or fights
Just French people sitting around smoking Gitanes,
And talking about how miserable they are.

And so it's a farewell from your favourite president, yours truly, Donald Trump.
As your president, I have done, many, many good things
And no bad things, no bad things at all, you heard it here first folks.
I have built the greatest team that has ever led our country,
I have been supported by my lovely wife Melamine (Is that right dear?)
If was love at first sight and I thought she wasn't bad either.
You know, for a Rounamium.
I have fought werewolves, vampires and the devil, and you know,
Some of them are good people, very good people.
People say I'm racist, but I have great compassion for people of all colours,
Especially orange.

And so farewell The Kardashians.
Few have escaped your influenzaring.
Kim, of course, has the biggest arse.
His name is Kanye West, I'm told.
There is a cruel rumour going around that, Because of the amount of filler and Botox injected,
Kardashians can't be cremated and will have to be subject
To a controlled explosion by the bomb squad.

And so farewell George A Romero,
You introduced us to a world,
Of teeming zombies,
With blank minds,
Shuffling through shopping malls,
Eyes glazed over with greed and incomprehension.
Thank goodness that never happens at Lakeside.
On weekdays anyway.

And so farewell Dave Greenfield. You were the organist with the popular beat combo
The Strangliers.
The Strangliers were the bad boys of rock:
And there was that song that went
Walking on the beaches,
Looking at the peaches.
Which I imagine was about a fruit stall in Margate.
You remember how it went:

Der dee da, deedum deedum dum,
Der dee da, deedum deedum dum.
(That's enough deedums.. Ed)

And so farewell Rick Parfitt,
Half of Status Quo.
And so farewell. And so farewell.
And so farewell.
And so farewell.
And so farewell.
(cont, ad infinitum)

And so farewell Kirk Douglas.
You were Spartacus, hence your most famous line,
I am Spartacus.
Unfortunately the extras all started saying
I am Sparticus too.
Which to me was unnecessarily confusing.
And the Romans picked you out anyway,
Because you were the only one who didn't say 'too'.
You also played Van Goph, who cut off his ear,
And sent it to his lady friend
. Who did not say. ‘Ear, ear, what’s all this then?’

And so farewell Anthony Scaramucci.
Scaramucci, Scaramucci, will you do the
fandango? Probably not.

And so farewell Kim Jong-nam
Your dad was Kim Jong-il.
Your wife was Lee Hye-Kyong.
Your son was Han Sol
Your dog was Rin Tin Tin.
Your first wife was Zsa Zsa Grabmore.
Your favourite game was Ping Pong
Your favourite song was Chim Chim Cheree
Your favourite breakfast serial was Ko Ko Pops.
Your favourite Star Wars character was Jar Jar Binx.
(That's enough silly names Ed)

And so farewell Hugh Hefner. You died, as you lived, in your dressing gown. I notice your nurses wore skimpy bikinis.
Perhaps,as in the NHS,funds did not stretch to full uniforms,
Or perhaps there were issues with wee.