I went into Tesco and asked a member of staff where I could find the biscuits. She started making high pitched barking noises. Then I noticed the badge she was wearing: I’m Only Here To Yelp.

I always thought there’s something fishy about these pescatarians

What was the name of the Greek goddess of love, beauty, pleasure, procreation and sticking bits of wood together? That’s it, Arulditee

I tried to make an appointment to see the doctor. They said I could see him in three weeks. I said That’s no bloody good, I’ll probably be better by then.

My friend is having help with the correct way to say sounds like Ow Eek Yeow and Oof. Yes he’s having electrocution lessons

I used to be argumentative. Are you saying I still am? Really?

I used to be apathetic but now I can’t be arsed.

I used to be arrogant but now I’m perfect.

I used to be indecisive but now I’m not so sure.

I used to be melodramatic but now I JUST CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!!!!

Psychological Corner

People are always saying I’m superficial, but that’s just on the surface.

I’m often being accused of being a misogynist. That’s women for you!

People also say I’m virtue signalling all the time. Is it my fault if I care too much?

I met this very old man. He said One instead of Sunday, Four instead of Wednesday and Six instead of Friday. I reckon his days are numbered.

I went to a very unsympathetic doctor who insisted that I didn’t need treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder when I stubbed my toe. I said, Yeah, but you don’t understand, I stubbed it REALLY HARD.

My friend said he’d got ADHD. I said, how do you know? He said, Oo look, a ladybird.

I was walking by a stream when I heard voices saying things like Jessica needs self-actualisation and Tom definitely has an anti-social personality disorder. Must have been a psycho-babbling brook.

I’m not sure what I think about schizophrenia. I’m in two minds about it.

I went to the doctor to tell him about my mental health issue. He said I should see a trick cyclist. It wasn’t till I found myself juggling three balls on a unicycle that I realised I’d misheard him.

My friend Dan has an inferiority complex, useless tw*t that he is.

Do you ever notice polar bears in the zoo are always asleep or looking depressed? Perhaps they’re bipolar bears.

My cousin during a psychotic episode found himself hanging upside down in a tree. Yes, he’d gone bananas.

I hate people saying I have OCD. If I didn’t check I’d locked the door fifteen times, absolutely anybody could break in.

And finally the Multiple Personality Knock Knock Joke.

Knock, knock
Who’s There
Franken
Franken Who
Frank’n Sarah and Frederick and Donald, and Desiree on Tuesdays

Rishi Sunak got so fed up with people going on about how small he is, he threw a wobbler and fell off his toadstool.

My daughter’s going out with the invisible man. I don’t know what she sees in him.

Apparently some global warming protesters have been targeting industrial farming methods – they’ve been sneaking into greenhouses and playing Cilla Black records.

This bloke went to the doctor and said, “I keep thinking I’m a cockerel. The doctor said, And why is that a problem? Well, I don’t mind, but I keep waking up the neighbours.

I’m going to go out to buy some fireworks. I’m getting roman candles, jumping jacks, bangers and something to finish off with. After all, as they say, you’ve got to pick a rocket or two.

I’ve been told to look out for symptoms of Alzheimer’s. Trouble is, I can’t remember what they are.

I’ve been hearing about this terrifying Italian gang who go around forcing handmade teapot mats on people – they’re the Rafia.

I'm worried about my friend Dave. He's taken to walking up the high street with a sandwich board saying Down With Gollum. I think he's getting into bad hobbits.

Nigel Farage was punched by one of his supporters today in Clacton. It is the first known instance of the fan hitting the shit.

Just seen a herd of pigs chasing some aristocrats. Must be earls before swine.

My efforts to get a grip on 2nd Law of Term of thermodynamics seem to keep falling apart. (Pretentious, moi?)

I don’t get paid for these you know.

I’m always losing my phone so I bought this handy little device. It links to a sensor you attach to your phone. When I push a button, the sensor beeps so, even if it's turned off, I can still locate my phone. I found it invaluable. I just wish I could remember where I left it.

I’ve had a lot of requests about my gags recently but nevertheless I’m still going to keep writing them. Here’s some of my Christmas Crackers.

I went to an exhibition of the Impressionists last week. I asked how much it was. He said 50 quid. I said. But I’m only here for the Monet.

I had my tea yesterday and an hour later I heard this strange voice coming from my stomach saying ‘I think that Boris Johnson is the best Prime Minister this country’s ever had’. Must have eaten something that doesn’t agree with me.

It’s been a tough year for all of us. Last week I was chucked out of my Tai Chi class. All I asked was, When are we going to learn how to kill people?

I’m going to cut my hedge on Christmas Eve. So, on Christmas day, we can have Roast Turkey with all the trimmings.

My wife said not to buy anything practical for her Christmas present, so I bought her a chocolate teaspoon.

I went to my barber to have a pre-Christmas cut. He told me times are so hard, he can’t even afford anyone to sweep up any more. I was literally, Walking in the Hair. I looked up ‘laissez-faire’ in a French/English dictionary. I tell yer, I’m leaving that one alone.

I also looked up Sacre Bleu! Apparently, it means pornography for nuns.

My friend asked me How do you pull a cracker? I said you need to be better looking for a start.

I met three blokes on camels and asked them where they were going. They said We’ve been following that star for months. I said, I think you’ll find that’s the space station.

My wife came in and said I’ve just seen Father Christmas and his sleigh flying overhead and I got completely soaked in this yellow water. I said, That’s the rain dear.

I went to the butcher and asked him for some meat for Christmas Day. He said poultry? I said No, I prefer something a bit bigger.

Children are lovely at Christmas, aren’t they - you can’t beat ‘em. It’s against the law now apparently.

The Wisdom of Donald Trump.

Q: You once said you had ‘one of the all time great memories.’ Correct?

Donald: I don’t remember saying that. At Christmas, what do you give the man who’s got everything. A big scratch down the side of his BMW.

I’ve got loads of dictionaries. I was going to look up superfluous, but I couldn’t decide which one to use.

I was going to look up procrastination, but I’ll probably do it later.

I’ve got The Anarchist’s Dictionary but I don’t use it much. I reckon it’s easier if you have the words in alphabetical order.

Somebody told me that gullible was missing from the dictionary. I looked it up and it was there all the time. What an idiot!

My friend told me I was dissleggsit. Looked it up – nothing!

I looked up palindrome. What rubbish! – I’ve never even heard of emordnilap

I was going to look up arrogant but I already know what it means. Do you think I’m some sort of idiot?

I had real trouble finding hyperbole. Took me at least 2 months.

Just before we had that bad weather last week, I saw a shellfish running away very fast. Must have been the clam before the storm.

©pb (apart from the gullible one which I borrowed)

At a recent conference at the Vatican about exorcism one of the symptoms that proved that it was a genuine case of possession by the devil, was the vomiting of nails. Phew, thought I was in trouble there. Mind you, all those screws have come in handy.

I went out this morning shooting fish in a barrel. I tell yer, it’s not as easy as it looks.

I was driving along the Avenue of Remembrance and completely forgot where I was going.

If too many cooks spoil the broth, roughly how many does it take to ruin a Tiramisu

I met this bloke with a golden long-haired dog. I said, Retriever. He said, No, I got her at the pet shop.

I said, Does he fetch sticks. He said, Why, have you lost one?

I went to the pet shop and asked for an Old English Sheepdog. He said, Sorry, we only sell the young ones.

I said, What sort of dog is that? He said Chow. I said, See you later.

I said, And what sort of dog is that? He said Chow Chow. I said, Bless you

I passed this bloke with a dog that was staggering all over the place. I said, Is it drunk? He said, No, it's a lurcher.

I passed this other bloke with a dog. I said, Cocker Spaniel? He said, You leave my dog alone.

I passed another bloke with a dog. I said Whippet? He said, No, I just kick it every time it slows down.

I ran into this bloke with a wooden leg and a parrot on his shoulder. I asked him Do you remember the group who had a top twenty hit with the song Take On Me. He said, Aha, me lad.

I went to the reception desk at the hospital. I said, Do you know where I can find the Lone Ranger. She said, You can’t miss him. He’s the one wearing a mask.

What’s Boris Johnson’s favourite card game. Liar’s Poker.

I went to the Chinese Take-away. I said do you do Sweet and Sour. He said, Of course and we can’t wait to serve you. Now fuck off.

I went to the doctor and I said I keep thinking I'm in Jaywick. He said, Let's not go there.

I've got this camera which only films old blokes sitting on a stool wearing an ugly jumper and singing rubbish songs. It's my Val Doony Cam.

I passed this pregnant woman the other day. I, said Is it a boy or a girl? She said Neither, it's a ghost. I thought, Must be a phantom pregnancy.

I was talking to this Irish Setter who was trained to sniff out truffles. I said How do you do it. He said Sure it’s the way I smell’em.

I ran into my mother-in-law the other day. It's not my fault. She had no business being on that zebra crossing.

Somebody asked me, How do you come up with so many good jokes. I said, I don’t.

I've given up converting fractions to decimals I just can't see the point.

I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit.

Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we.

A bloke came up to me and said, 'Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn't make any sense.

An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual. Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git.

Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell.

Bit of luck - my Gran has just landed a spot on Jules Holland's New Years Eve show. She's going to play Stairway to Heaven on horns collected from vintage cars. Yes she's the Hooternanny

My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed in the chest outside a kebab shop.

I got done for GBH. Nobody told me you were only allowed to hit people on the head.

I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch.

I was searching for my dog for weeks and then I ran into him at the bus stop. It was my serendipity dog. (For our younger viewers, Deputy Dawg was a sixties cartoon series)

Went to see Tenet which is all about people travelling back in time. Watched it all, and then left before it started. Bastards wouldn't give me my money back though.

Isn't time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it's not rocket science

You can't have your cake and eat it, unless of course you're bulimic.

They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but only if you go straight through the eye socket with a biro.

I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench.

My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy.

I'm no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating

You think I'm paranoid. You should see the bloke who keeps following me.

Two ducks were talking. One said, 'Quack,' and the other said, 'No I'm not, I'm a fully qualified gynaecologist.'

Two cows were talking. One said, 'Moo' and the other said, 'There you go again.'

Two frogs were talking. One said, 'Ribbet, ribbet' and the other said, 'Heard it!'

Two chickens were talking. One said, 'Bwark, bwark.' and the other said, 'Who are you calling chicken.'

Two Whooping Cranes were talking. One said,'Whoop, whoop'. The other said,' Look I'm getting pissed off with you pretending you've won the lottery.

Two pigs were talking. One said. 'I'm not happy.' and the other said, 'No shit.'

Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn't see that one coming.

I saw that film Parasite. I tell you, it grows on you.

I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not? He said, It's the thin end of the veg.

Worst place to go for tea and scones Boston.

Best place to go with a dicky tummy. Cork.

Best place to go with Godzilla Wrexham

Best place to take Marlon Brando The Mumbles.

Where to go if you enjoy following rabbits underground Edinburgh.

Where to live if you're not very good at spelling Hul

Where to go if you're going mad. Barking.

Where to go if you hate Val Doonigan

Haltwhistle Where to go if you're very rich but also comparatively small. Lowestoft

Where does Prince Andrew need to go for his tarts. Bakewell

Where to go if you're a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam.

Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring.

Where to take your cat if it has a cold. Mogadishu.

Where to go if you're a bit hardup. Norwich.

Where to go if your large busted and recently won a beauty contest. Winchester.

Where to go if you're claustrophobic Exeter

Where to go if you're seeing less of your friends recently Bath

Where not to live if you've got a stutter Kirkcudbright.

My friend told me he took his Llama to the vet in Pakistan. I said, Islamabad? He said, Yes, he can hardly walk.

He said, I bought this African cat and it won't stop sneezing. I said, Where did you get it? He said, Mogadishu.

He said, I've got this bloke who does odd jobs round the house. Trouble is he's barefoot, bald and wears a loincloth. I said, He must be your Ghandi-man.

He said, Are you worried about Global Warming? I said, Not since I moved it away from the radiator.

I'm not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don't even like the Pape.

I said to the waiter, Do you have any ice-cream for mice? He said, We've got Tom and Jerry's.

I said, Any other ice creams?

He said, I've got a Magnum.

I said, So have I mate, but I don't keep going on about it.

I said, What's the soup of the day?

He said, Cock-a-leekie.

I said, No I just spilled water on my trousers.

I said, Have you got any unusual sugars?

He said, Demarara

I said, Yes I imagine they are.

My dad was keen on racing pigeons. Unfortunately the pigeons always beat him.

I asked this DJ, What ever happened to Bros? He said, It was the usual thing – too much money. All the success went to their heads. They had big houses, chauffeurs, personal chefs. I said, it's always the same, isn't it: too many cooks spoil the Bros. I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare.

However when I bought a motorbike, it was a triumph.

I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films.

I went to cafe for a milk shake. They said they were short staffed so they gave me a glass of milk and told me to shake it myself.

I went to the butcher and asked for some pheasants. They said do you want a brace? I said I can stand up on my own, thanks.

I said I'd like some meat. They said poultry? I said no, a big bit.

I said, do you have pork crackling. They said the belly pork rumbles a bit.

My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again?

My short-sighted dog chased after a squirrel. I said you're barking up the wrong tree.

I went to the Odeon for 1917. They said you're two hours early, mate.

The number you have dialled is busy. To use ring back, please open one of your major arteries so we can drain your blood and dry out your flesh so we eat it later.

I'm getting fed up with all this moaning about this giant comet which is a headed on a collision course with Earth at 20,000 miles per second. Let's get it in perspective people - it's not the end of the world.

I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all.

I've just been reading this cookery book written by members of the aristocracy. There's one recipe I'm keen to try: Lady Chatterley's Liver.

I've been sorting out my bookcase. I've thrown away all my books on science, geography and cooking. And the rest is history.

I have a problem with this large bird coming into my house at night smashing ornaments and rearranging the furniture. Must be a poltergoose.

So to cheer myself I went out to a restaurant and called the waiter over

Are your eggs free range? Yes, they can go anywhere they like.

Do the potatoes come au gratin? No, you have pay for them like everyone else.

Do you serve hot dogs? I think you want the Korean restaurant next door.

What are the specials? They're a ska band from Coventry.

What about minestrone? We only have the large stronies tonight.

Is the salmon poached? No, we buy it at the fish shop.

I see you have langoustines. Yes, that's why I have the special shampoo.

Pea Soup? Just in the regular bowl, please

Can I see the cheese board? I'm afraid none of them are in tonight.

Pork Belly, sir? You're not exactly skinny yerself, mate.

Is the duck a l'orange? We have one left but I don't know his name.

I think I'll have the turkey. Do you want stuffing? Not if you want a tip.

POLICE

I was arrested the other day by a blond policewoman. It was a fair cop.

She said I was wanted in six counties although the others weren't so keen on me.

I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration.

She asked me to come quietly, but I didn't because I didn't hear her.

She said she was taking me back to the station. I asked her if I'd be in time for the 10:15.

She said, 'Do you answer to the name Jones?' I said, 'I can if you like.'

I asked her how she addressed triplets. She said 'allo, 'allo, 'allo.

I asked her why so many policeman are called Robert. She said, 'We need more bobbies on the beat.'

I was actually good friends with a constable. When I saw him on the street I used to shout. 'Hey Wayne.'

I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, 'I think this must be my case.' He said, 'I'll be the judge of that.' When the jury came back, the judge asked them if they'd reached a verdict. They said, no, it was still stuck on the top shelf. The judge asked them if the verdict was unanimous. The foreman said, 'No, but we all agreed.'

Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: - 'We're going to hang you.'

I said, 'Stone me!'. He said, 'We can do it that way if you like.'

I asked if I could get time off for good behaviour. He said, 'We can do it Tuesday if that's any help.'

Finally I got fed up writing gags and I took my dad for a game of golf. It was pa for the course.

DRINKING

I've been accused of binge drinking, which is strange because I don't even like binge.

A friend asked if I'd like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone.

I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted.

I asked him if he had a wine list and he said, Yeah I hate this job and the pay is rubbish.

I asked the barman for a whisky. He said On the rocks? I said no I'll drink it here

They say you shouldn't drink on an empty stomach and I never do. I find chairs much more comfortable.

On the way my car broke down so I called the AA. They suggested their 12 step program so I said Well that's not enough to get home.

I've recently I've been travelling all over the country with a black marker pen. I mean, you've got to draw a line somewhere.

I never did very well with my school subjects. History – well, it’s a thing of the past, isn’t it? Geography – I never knew where I was with it. Foreign Languages – they were all Greek to me. Religious Studies – God knows what that was about. I couldn't get the point in Geometry – they always seemed to be looking for some new angle. I couldn't get very excited in sex education. Chemistry, all a bit formulaic, wasn't it? In Biology, when it came to frogs, I just couldn't cut it. I could never seem to hit the nail on the head in woodwork, and I found Metalwork less than riveting. I felt no need to experiment with Science. Music was always a bit flat. I couldn't tackle Rugby and I never seem to get anywhere with cross-country.

Frankly, as a pupil, I lacked focus.

SCHOOL

Every night they made us do homework. I built an extension.

I didn't enjoy assembly. I could never understand the instructions.

I couldn't play cricket. But I did a pretty good ant.

Every time I was naughty, I was given the slipper. Now I've got 534 slippers.

I've always been amusing. In fact my teachers said I was a half-wit

PARENTS

My mum used to say I had green fingers. I can't help it if I'm a frog.

My dad reckoned I was lexdysit

I come from a long line of policemen. We were queuing for the truncheons

My grandad died in the trenches. I told him digging trenches was a rubbish job.

I looked into my family tree. All I could see was a load of wood.

I was invited to do Who Do You Think You Are on the BBC. But I already had a name badge so I didn't bother.

. Apparently, they don't grow tea in Yorkshire. Ripoff or what?

COMPUTER DATING


I tried computer dating, but I couldn't find any computers I fancied.

I thought that HP was a bit saucy.

Thought about the Sinclair Spectrum but it would never have worked.

IBM. Who you?

I went out on a date. Came back on a prune.

COMPUTER KEYBOARD

I pushed the Esc key and it built a tunnel.

I pushed the Caps Lock button and now I can't get my hat off.

I pushed the Enter button and then I lost Cntl.

What about bridges – isn’t it about time we got over them. Manure – that’s a heap of s**t isn’t it. Left – well that’s not right is it?

Paedophilia – You’ve got to be kidding. Dwarves – they’re not up to much, are they?

Do you know what’s good for headaches – banging your head against the wall

This bloke comes up to me in the street. He was 10 foot tall, massive head. legs the size of tree trunks, Hands the size of shovels. he comes up to me and says ‘You’re always exaggerating, you.’

A man goes into the train station. He says ‘I want a ticket for my cat’. The bloke says ‘We don’t do tickets for cats. We only do ‘em for dogs, Why’s that, He says, ‘You can’t train cats.’

I went to the doctor the other day. I told him, ‘Every day I wake up and I’m a different part of the body. I woke up on Monday, and I was a foot, Tuesday I was an arm, Wednesday I was a hand. The doctor says, ‘You want to quit while you’re ahead.’

A man goes into the hospital. He says ‘I’ve tried to commit shoeicide’ Don’t you mean suicide. No my feet are killing me.

I saw my neighbour in the garden the other days. She’s got huge tits. I said, ‘You’re givin’ too much bird seed, missus.’

A Republican spokesman said today: 'Many people are worried that we have a loudmouthed, peabrained, deranged lunatic in the White House. This simply is not true. In fact he's currently playing golf in Mar-a-Lago.

White House staff are making efforts to stop President Trump from tweeting. So they've taken away his cuttlefish and put a cover over his cage.