Letters to the Independent and the Times

Piers Morgan v Heather Mills. Job to know who to support really

With regard to banker's bonuses, the government are understandably cautious about killing the goose that laid the golden egg. Unfortunately this particular goose has also been devouring 10 times its share of the corn whilst, at the same time, crapping all over the rest of us from a great height.

The trouble with multi-faith centres is that those with a religious faith tend to regard those with a different faith as, at best, misguided and, at worst, as bombing targets and those who don’t have a religious faith aren’t really interested in multi-faith centres

I wouldn't bother with a trial. I'd lock him up for 30 years for being called Ratko Mladic and wearing that hat.

Depressingly, Julie Burchill may have a point about the value of some university education. However I don't think even a first year undergraduate would get away with the implication that the erection of the hammer and sickle over the Reichstag was good news for Germany, when it opened 'its heart to the Red Army'. That presumably would be the same Red Army that raped its way across East Germany and then entombed the country in half a century of misery, poverty and political repression. I suspect if you opened your heart to the Red Army in 1945 they'd probably eat it.

Now that the end of the world has been postponed until the 21st October, I'm wondering if the Reverend Camping and his followers would consider handing over their money, property and worldly goods to me, before they are swept up into heaven. After all, they won't be needing them anymore, and they may be some small consolation to me as the rest of us are consumed in the fiery pit. Surely not to agree to this modest request would reflect a lack of faith.

I was shocked and disgusted by the story of Mary Bale throwing a cat into a wheelie bin. Doesn't she realise that there's a separate collection for pet recycling these days.

Regarding your story about war criminals living in Britain, you say that these people lie on their entry forms. I just wonder what sort of person fills in an entry form, gets to the bit that asks 'Are you a war criminal?' and answers 'Yes'

I was particularly impressed, in your piece about the Royal Academy British Sculpture exhibition, by the item entitled 'Electric Fire with Yellow Fish' which consisted of an old electric fire with a plastic yellow fish inside the grill. As it happens I have available my own satirical piece entitled 'Old Video Recorder with a Slice of Toast in the Slot. I wonder if your readers might be interested. Shall we start the bidding at £1000?

With regard to the banking crisis, perhaps we need to revisit the aphorism: Pay peanuts, get monkeys. The new version might be: Pay peanuts, get monkeys. Pay millions, get monkeys.

I don't think we should be too harsh on the woman who dialled 999 when her snowman was stolen. At the end of winter last year all the snowmen in our road disappeared overnight. The police of course weren't interested. These things can escalate, you know.

I'm not surprised that the supermarkets are keen to use the carbon footprint labels. They can use them in the same way that they use the label 'Low Fat' on products full of sugar, and 'Sugar Free' on things loaded with fat. They can now put the Carbon footprint labels on products that don't have a high carbon footprint and leave them off products that do. If supermarkets want to reduce their carbon footprint they need to put a sign in every aisle: IF YOU WANT TO REDUCE YOUR CARBON FOOTPRINT THEN BUY LESS STUFF, YOU MORONS'. Somehow I can't see it happening