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| NURSERY RHYMES FOR THE WOKE INFANT email: petesite@petebarrett.co.uk |
| Original Version | CRITIQUE | Correct Version |
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| Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill came tumbling after. Up got Jack, and home did trot As fast as he could caper He went to bed and bound his head With vinegar and brown paper |
This rhyme is riddled with sexist attitudes and outdated prejudice. Although it starts well with Jack and Jill sharing domestic chores equally, the tenure of the rhyme then changes – notice that Jack’s injuries are described in detail whereas Jill’s injuries are glossed over as if they weren’t relevant. Moreover Jack is clearly largely unhurt, his ability to trot and caper entirely undiminished. For all we know, Jill could be laying out there with major injuries untended while Jack is in bed enjoying full treatment - although it should be noted that vinegar and brown paper is no longer recognised as suitable treatment for serious head trauma | Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water Jack fell down and broke his crown And Jill came tumbling after. Up got Jack, and home did trot Of Jill there is no mention. As if a girl's life wasnt hard enough, What with the cramps and the pre-menstrual tension |
| Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet Eating her curds and whey, Along came a spider, Who sat down beside her And frightened Miss Muffet away | This apparently innocuous rhyme is riddled with gender stereotyping and sexism. Firstly Miss Muffet's marital status is entirely irrelevant to the narrative. Then there is the suggestion that women are unable to deal with unexpected situations and are inherently fearful of small insects. Moreover it has been scientically proven that women have the ability to multitask and therefore Ms Muffet would clearly easily cope with eating and dealing with insects simultaneously. There is also the matter of the curds and whey which should only be eaten as part of a balanced diet or a lifetime of dieting and bingeing could ensue. | Little Ms Muffet sat on a tuffet Eating her low fat yoghurt, Along came a spider, Who sat down beside her So she squished it |
| Georgie Porgie pudding and pie, Kissed the girls and made them cry When the boys came out to play, Georgie Porgie ran away. | Now it is obvious from this rhyme that George has unresolved weight issues, perhaps as a result of a childhood trauma involving a cucumber and this may have led to his tendency to treat women as mere sex objects and to experience difficulties relating to his peer group. Neuro-Linguistic reprogramming almost certainly required. | Georgie Porgie vegetables and fresh fruit(5 Portions a day), Kissed the girls and made them cry When the boys came out to play, They explained to George that his behaviour was inappropriate in this context. |
| There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, She had so many children she didn't know what to do! So she gave them some broth without any bread, And she whipped them all soundly and sent them to bed! | This attack on a deprived mother's use of physical restraint on her many children fails to take account the almost total abrogation of responsibility by males within the shoe community and the lack of economic empowerment and self-actualistion of single mothers in general. She is further pilloried for the poor diet despite the unavailibility of organic bread, blueberries and those lovely little Gruyere and smoked salmon parcels within deprived economic communities. It is also implied that living in a shoe on a sink estate is a lifestyle choice rather than one forced on her by the military/industrial domination of Western capitalism since Thatcher. | There was an old woman who lived in a shoe, She had so many children she didn't know what to do! So a social worker had them rehoused in a detached wellington. And the CSA sent her husband for a vasectomy, and gender stereotyping de-programming seminar. |
| Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon. The little dog laughed to see such fun And the dish ran away with the spoon. | In this essentially non-sensical and largely pointless rhyme, we learn of a bovine exhibiting clear symptoms of mad cow disease brought on by intensive farming enforced by the agri-business hegemony. The anthropomorphic interpretation of behaviours by the dog, the fish and the kitchen equipment simply reinforces pseudo-magical thinking which can lead to belief in such things as paternal 'God' figures and eventually knocking on people's doors trying to sell them The Watchtower. | Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over a small fence. The little dog barked in solidarity And the dish and the spoon did nothing because they were inanimate kitchen equipment. |
| Baa, baa sheep of colour Have you any wool? Yes sir or madame, yes sir or madame, Three reusuable bags full. |
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed, One fell off and bumped his head. Mama called the Doctor and the Doctor said, 'No more monkeys jumping on the bed! Until a full risk assessment form has been submitted and approved' |
Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall, Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the King's horses and all the King's men, Put up a guard rail and a warning sign to prevent any further similar accidents. |
Hush, little baby, don't say a word, Papa's gonna buy you a mockingbird. And if that mockingbird don't sing Papa's gonna take it back to shop And ask for a replacement as is specified in the Consumer protection Live Bird Purchasing Act 2015 |
If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.(clap clap) If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.(clap clap) If you're happy and you know it, and you really want to show it. If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands.(clap clap) But if you're mildly depressed A short course of anti-depressants could be helpful. |
It's raining, it's pouring. The old man is snoring. He bumped his head and went to bed And he couldn't get up in the morning He should consult a doctor as he may suffering with sleep apnoea |
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| COMING SOON: Little Bo Peep is quite capable of doing a man's Job, Sheep losses are entirely unrelated to gender differentiation. The Grand old Duke of York he had ten thousand men. And there's nothing wrong with that provided safe sex is practiced. Baa Baa Afro-Welsh sheep. Three Visually Challenged Mice |
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