OBITUARIES
Gone But Not Forgotten (Until next week)
And so farewell Tobe Hooper,
Horror director supreme.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre,
That was your big hit.
The Willesden Strimmer Slasher
Did less well, and
The Barking Leaf Blower Relatively Minor Skirmish,
Went straight to DVD
And so farewell Bruce Forsythe.
Nice to see you,
To see you, not any more.
And so farewell Tom Petty.
Singer and songwriter supreme.
Free Fallin'.
That was one of your songs.
I Won't Back Down.
So was that.
American Girl.
And that.
Learning to Fly.
And that.
There's No One Else Like Grandma.
That wasn't.
Crazy Frog.
Nor was that.
And so farewell George A Romero,
Director of Night of the Living Dead.
You introduced us to a world,
Of teeming zombies,
With blank minds,
Shuffling through shopping malls,
Eyes glazed over with greed and incomprehension.
Thank goodness that never happens at Lakeside.
On weekdays anyway.
And so farewell John Berger.
You were a Booker Prize winner and Marxist art critic,
It says in the paper.
You were also keen on motorcycling and yodelling,
Which must have confused pedestrians.
What is a Marxist art critic?
One who thinks all paintings are equal
And if they're not
You send them to Siberia?
And so farewell, Stanislav Petrov.
You were the man who saved the world.
You noticed that the Soviet Union was about to be
Annihilated by dozens of nuclear missiles,
But rather than retaliate,
You decided to have a nice of cup of tea,
And a Chocolate Hob-Nob.
There's lot more missiles about these days.
But, knowing that Donald Trump and Kim Jung-un
Are in charge, we can all sleep safely in our beds.
Or maybe under the kitchen table.
Just in case.
And so farewell Red Robbo
You were , according to Google,
Involved in Industrial Relations.
I think that means that only your relations,
Were allowed to work in the factory.
You helped to produce many fine British Leyland models,
Such as the Austin Allegro,
Which was a car,
Allegedly.
Perhaps, under Jeremy Corbyn,
We can produce more fine Socialist cars,
Such as the Trabant 601 De Luxe.
The De Luxe was the model with wheels.
Now all together, comrades..
“Everybody out.”
And so farewell James Comey, head of the FBI.
You were sacked,
Because you investigated people unnecessarily.
It is not the job of the FBI,
To go around investigated people unnecessarily.
It is the job of the FBI to catch criminals.
Such as ones that climb water towers with tommy guns,
And shout, 'Look at me, ma. I'm on top of the world.'
Not poking your nose into perfectly innocent chats,
Between Donald and his good friend Vladimir.
So, on your bike, you dirty rat.
And so farewell Anthony Scaramucci.
Scaramucci, Scaramucci, will you do the fandango?
Probably not.
You were an arrogant, narcissistic,
Swollen-headed, vainglorious windbag.
And let's face it,
We've already got one of those in the White House.
And so farewell Barry Norman,
Britain's favourite film critic, who was,
Very good with the ironing (That would be irony....Ed).
You were also known for your incisive interviews, such as,
So, Sir Kenneth, how wonderful are you?
Are they shiny enough yet,
Or shall I lick them some more?'
Your hair was strange,
Did you go to the barber,
And ask for a Terry Wogan?
Marvellous,
And why not?
And so farewell Red Robbo
You were , according to Google,
Involved in Industrial Relations.
I think that means that only your relations,
Were allowed to work in the factory.
You helped to produce many fine British Leyland models,
Such as the Austin Allegro,
Which was a car,
Allegedly.
Perhaps, under Jeremy Corbyn,
We can produce more fine Socialist cars,
Such as the Trabant 601 De Luxe.
The De Luxe was the model with wheels.
Now all together, comrades..
“Everybody out.”
Reserved For

.................................
(Write Your Name Here)
And so farewell Roger Moore.
You used to be The Saint.
Dee Derdely Dee Dee Der,
That was your theme.
You were also James Bond, just about.
In Escape to Athena, you were a terrifying Nazi:
Anyone for tennis, I mean, blitzkrieg. Oops, can we go again?'
In your acting masterclass, you taught them,
The many tools in your acting toolbox:
Raise your right eyebrow. Raise your left eyebrow.
Raise both eyebrows. Look quizzical.
In later life you played many parts:
An old smoothie, a smooth oldie,
And a man who was both old and smooth.
We never did get to see your Hamlet.
Just as well.
He's probably a bit wrinkley by now.
And so farewell Thunderclap Newman.
Something in the Air,
That was your biggest hit.
Now that's what you are.
And so farewell Robert M Pirsig.
Your most famous book was,
Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance.
Less successful was
Jehovah's Witnessing and Making Simple Cupcakes.
Buddhism and the Art of Killing Ants
Without Boiling the Kettle,
And Rastafarianism and the Art of
Not going down the shop for 6 Mars Bars
And a Curly-Whirly.
And so farewell Small Mountain in Afghanistan.
You were foreign, and got too big for your boots.
Ordnance Survey has downgraded you to,
A plateau.
Let this be a warning,
To uppity mountains all over the world.
We have the most brilliant bombs in the world,
To flatten you, like totally.
So they'll be nothing for nasty ISIS people to hide behind.
Then we'll kill them all,
And build a golf course.
An so farewell Brian Matthew,
Oldest DJ in the world.
Thank Your Lucky Stars that was your show.
Where Janice used to say "Oi'll give it foive".
Hilarious.
It's not an easy job, being a DJ,
Compromising, as it does, of spinning discs,
And talking piffle.
Often at the same time.
These are some of the DJs we have loved:
Mike Read, Tony Blackburn, Dave Lee Travis
and Jimmy (That's enough DJs... Ed).
Hold on, hold on, Brian isn't dead at all!
Hooray!
Must have been some DJ talking piffle.
And so farewell Tara Palmer-Tomkinson,
You were an 'It' girl, apparently.
Don't know what that means.
Something to do with computers, I imagine.
They say you spent £400 a day on Coke.
So I suppose you probably died of rotten teeth.
Here are a list of your greatest achievements:
(Fill in this bit later)
Your dad was Kim Jong-il.
Your wife was Lee Hye-Kyong.
Your son was Han Sol (think you missed off the last o).
Your dog was Rin Tin Tin.
Your first wife was Zsa Zsa Grabmore.
Your favourite game was Ping Pong Ping.
Your favourite song was Chim Chim Cheree
Your favourite breakfast serial was Ko Ko Pops.
Your favourite Star Wars character was Jar Jar Binx.
(That's enough silly names Ed)
Et alors au revoir Gordon Kaye.
Votre plus mond hit etais
Zoot Alors!! Zoot Alors!!.
Avec les Nazis trés amusement,
Et les catch de phrase hilarious tel que:
“Ecoutez moi tres carefulment,
Je volonté dit cette seulement un”
“Bon moaning”
“Vous femme stupide”
“Femme la bouche, vous sillé vieux bat.”
Comment nous chucklé et chucklé!!
And so farewell Graham Taylor
Greatest England manager ever.
You were loved by the players, the fans and the tabloids.
It's a sad day, Sir Alf...
Hold on, I think I've got the wrong manager...
And so farewell Donald Trump.
What?
Really?
Still alive?
Bugger.
And so farewell George Michael.
The ladies were devastated
When they found you were gay
But when they found out Andrew Ridgeway was straight
They weren't that bothered really.
And so farewell Rick Parfitt,
Half of Status Quo.
And so farewell.
And so farewell.
And so farewell.
And so farewell.
And so farewell.
(cont, ad infinitum)
And so farewell Peter Sarstedt.
Where Do You Go To (My Lovely)?
That was your biggest hit.
Or should I say hit.
"But where do you go to my lovely When you're alone in your bed
Tell me the thoughts that surround you
I want to look inside your head, yes I do."
I tried that.
It's mainly about boots and handbags.
And so farewell Henry Heimlich,
Inventor of the Heimlich Manoeuvre,
In which you violently squeeze people from behind,
If they have foodstuffs lodged in their gullet.
But not,
as I learned to my cost,
If they don't.
And so farewell, Manuel.
Que!
That was your catchphrase.
One occasion Basil hit you with a spoon.
Now that political correctness has gone mad,
You are no longer allowed to hit Spaniards with spoons.
Although it is still permissible,
To assault Belgians with baguettes.
So give it a go while you can.
And so farewell Pete Burns.
You had a cardiac arrest, But they didn't say what the charge was.
Your face was was strange and your lips were wide,
And made mainly of polyacrylamide. Your big hit was You Spin Me Round:

You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round
You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round

Yeah, yeah, alright we get it, You got spun round by a baby.
And so farewell Kenny Baker.
You were the man inside R2-D2
The mobile wastebin in Star Wars.
Bleep-bleep, urp-urp,
diddly-diddly, shloop-loop
These were your most famous lines.
You were less irritating than that total girl, C3-PO,
The least convincing robot since they stuck a sinkplunger
On a dustbin and called it a Dalek.
For some reason you did not pass the audition for 7ft 6in Darth Vader.
That's heightism, that is.
And so farewell Mohammed Ali
You floated like a butterfly.
Stung like a bee. You also, according to Wikipedia, did some boxing.
And your slave's name was Cassius Clay.
I didn't know you could keep slaves anymore.
Then, tragically, you suffered from Parkinson's Disease.
Which meant you had to laugh hysterically.
At old celebrities telling anecdotes.
What a terrible way to go.
And so farewell Burt Kwouk.
Unusual name for a chinaman, Burt, n'est pas*?
You were the only chinese actor on Dixon of Dock Green, Z Cars, Crossroads et al.
Perhaps that's why We think chinamen
All look the same.
And so farewell Carla Lane.
The Liver Birds that was the name of your sitcom.
Who knows why.
They never ate any liver.
And then there was the one called Bread.
Who knows why.
Maybe it was because they said,
'Dey do dough, dont dey dough.'
A lot.
And so farewell Gareth Thomas.
You were Blake in Blake's 7.
Were you also Magnificent in the Magnificent 7?
Possibly not. I consulted Zen,
the hyper-intelligent supercomputer
On the Liberator
For more of your exploits, but it turns out, Zen was some disco lights
In a fishtank.
And so farewell Phil Sayer.
You have made your last announcement.
Your most famous saying was: "Mind the Gap".
Your least famous saying was:
"The next train is on time"
And so farewell Howard Marks.
Welsh wizard, drug smuggler, ladies man.
20 joints a day,
or so they say...
What was I saying?
Mmm,feeling a bit peckish.
Might nip out for some Kit-kats.
Anyone want one?
And so farewell Lady Penelope.
You were the Thunderbird we all fancied.
You drove a pink Roll's Royce,
Registration FAB 1.
Did you have a bit of rough with Parker on the back seat?
Now we shall never know.
And so farewell Paul Daniels.
You married the lovely Debbie McGee,
And did magic tricks,
And said 'Not a lot'
A lot.
Did you do escapology too? Probably not going to work
This time round.
And so farewell Sir Peter Maxwell-Davies.
Farewell To Stromness
That was your greatest hit.
How did it go again?
And so it's farewell Keith Emerson.
You stuck daggers
Into your Hammond organ
For some reason.
You could say
You are now Beyond 'ELP
And so farewell Zsa Zsa Gabor.
Were you related to Ja Ja Binks, I wonder?
You were married nine times.
Similar to Henry the Eighth.
But you probably just divorced your husbands,
Rather than chopping their heads off.
These were some of your films:
3 Ring Circus, Beauty and the Bullfighter, The Most Wanted Man and Climax!
This last one seems familiar.
But I don't recall you in it. Not unless you had a tattoo in an unusual place.
And so farewell Batman,
You have slidden down the Batpole for the last time.
The Joker, the Riddler, Catwoman, Michael Gove,
These were the villains you fought in your Batman costume,
Which was, frankly, rubbish.
On your Batbelt you kept your gadgets:
The Batarang, the Batrope and a slice of Battenburg,
In case you got peckish.
You drove the Batmobile until health and safety took it away.
Because you kept knocking down the traffic barrier,
Outside the Batcave.
ZOCK!!, POW!!, SMACK!!, CRACK!!
These were some of the drugs you took,
On your day off.
You had a radio show with a chimpanzee,
Tony Blackburn had a radio show with a dog called Arnold,
Jimmy Saville didn't have a radio show with a dog,
But he had virtually everything else.
To contact you they projected the image of a bat onto the clouds
Because the Vodaphone signal at Wayne Manor was rubbish.
These days Batman stands in the dark, at the top of old buildings,
Being grumpy and sucking a Zube,
Waiting for Donald Trump to call
Because Donald Trump thinks Batman is real,
And might even build a Batwall for him,
So all the super villains would have to stay in Mexico.
Arriba, Arriba! ¡Ándale, Ándale!
And so farewell John Noakes,
Blue Peter's most famous presenter.
Stop that, Shep.
You came from Yorkshire
And you once climbed Nelson's Column,
And rode on the footplate of the Flying Scotsman.
Shep, stop digging there for God's sake.
You were the Queen's favourite presenter.
And then there was that baby elephant business
Hilarious!
If you don't stop that, Shep, you're going back on the lead.
You're ruining the bouquets.
You also presented Go With Noakes
but which will now have to be Gone with Noakes.
Now look what you've done, you stupid dog.
You've knocked the bloody gravestone over.
And so farewell Robert Hardy. You were a man of many parts. There was Siegfried, a bluff, prickly, no-nonsense vet with a heart of gold.
Then there was Winston Churchill, who, with a heart of gold,
was a bluff, prickly, no-nonsense Prime Minister.
And let's not forget the prickly Prince Albert, a bluff, no-nonsense Prince Consort with a heart of gold.
You were also a bluff Mussolini, who, although a prickly, no-nonsense fascist dictator, still had a heart of gold.
And then there was Gordon of Khartoum, a bluff, prickly, no-nonsense General who fought the fuzzy-wuzzies (Yes, yes, I think we get it... Ed)
And so farewell Hugh Heffner
You were the original playboy.
You don't get them any more, do you?
Roaring through the town in their open-topped sports cars,
With a blond on either arm.
What were they using to steer, I wonder?
You died, as you lived, in your dressing gown,
Surrounded by a gaggle of pretty nurses,
Everyone with their notably prominent
Personalities.
Unusually for nurses, they wore uniforms,
Consisting of skimpy bikinis.
Perhaps, as in the NHS, funds did not stretch to full uniforms,
Or perhaps there were issues with wee.
And so farewell Tony Booth,
Father-in-law to the ever-popular Labour leader
Tony Blair.
I read you came from Liverpool.
I didn't know that.
According to the Daily Mail
You are what they call a 'Scouser'.
Apparently 'Scousers' are people who wear
Track suits and drink heavily and get into fights
And can only be pacified by the mantra:
A U, Cyalm down, cyalm down.'
Well thank goodness you were nothing like that, Tony.