OPODO ON SEPP BLATTER
Ahm not unnerstandin wad dee problem is wiv Self Batter bein dee presdent o Feefifofum. Jenly speakin dee bess way of handin out dee whirl cup is who puddin dee fatist envlope behin dee raydyater. Any udder way leadin to dee kruption anat. You cant be takin dee tornment from Guitar who winnin it fair n skware wid dee top bribe. Anyway dee stadyums well unner way now so iss too late init. Aldough bit worried about dee makeup of dee concreet goin into dese stadyums. Dis consistin o one part cement, one part Bangla Deshi wat axedently fallin in, an one hunerd part sand which is dee only fing wat dee Guitarees got plentee of. So when you byin dee tickets for one fousan squidley diddleys bes buyin dem down dee front so you can get out kwik for dee stadyum collapsin on dee bonce.
OPODO ON JOHN AND YOKO
Spin an bit of an Anus Horribilious no jokin what wiv all de fightin and killin anat. Me tinkin wot a pity John Lemon and Yoko OhNo not getting back in dee bag. Den all dem jihardlys sayin Oh Blimey, John and Yoko bag in dee bag. Bet stop all dee chopin off dee heads anat and give piss a chance.
OPODO ON ARMS SMUGGLING
Had a spot o bodder las week wid dee Nigerian FBI (dat shot for For Bribes Init) bashin in me door at four tirty in dee monnin. I tell dem come back in two hours as ahm havin dee stended kip on account o dee free fat wives bin a bit fruity in dee night and ahm still recovrin.
No day say you comin down dee station for kweshjanin, pronto. Now ah know what day call kweshjanin usually involving pluggin you in dee mains till you fessin up or all dee lites in Lagos startin flickring. So ahm sayin what sort o deal we havin on dee table? Day saying dat I am dee hinternachnal arms smugglier wat been supplyin arms to dee countries on dee black list.
Ahm saying back, me exspots hunned per cent legit, me paying all dee export bribes an evrytin. But day sayin you can’t supply weapon dat be used for totture and repressin dee peeple. Ah say no offser, dese tum screws, cattle prods and iron maiden only used for self defence init. Not only dat, ahm puttin stickers on dee boxes wat sayin.
NOT TO BE USED FOR TOCHRIN PEEPLE ANAT.
Howzit my fault if day norridin dee structions. Anyway wunce dee wallet out and a few squidleys changin hands them comin round to ma way of tinkin an all dee charges dropt pronto.
OPODO ON SMUGGLING DRUGS
Youd tink in Englan dared be less plice kruption, but not true. Ahm passin frew Heaffrow and jes picked up dee ol samsonite, when dee plice dog start sniffin roun. Ahm saying dat probly jes a bit of beef jerky init but, probly cos I’m black dee hallin me away an puddin on dee Marigolds. Straitaway dey findin dee pack of Percil wot I use for sortin out dee smalls in dee hotel sink. Dem saying no matey, dat is deff cokecain. I say Well blow me down, init, I notice it not latherin up too good and mos bin layblin mixup at dee factry.
Dey sayin no you drug smugglier. You goin in dee chokey for 20 years less you preparin to grass up a few names. Coss I say, you geddin nuffin off me matey. Ahm stickin to the crinimal code - never grass up your bizniz soshyates. Coss I mighta menshun in passin dee names of few people who waitin for dee Persil dlivery. Luckly it turns out it was Persil after all, and dey lettig me off wid de corshun.Coss, few peepol out looking for me now under dee misunderstandin dat ah grassed dem up. Anyways keeping de hed down coupla weeks till day all in dee chokey an ah can get back to bizniz as youshall.
Lot of you planin bowt dee fact dat Nobody won nuffin in dee OK Milyun Squidleys Lottery. Dez a simple splanashun for dis - Mos peeple tickin dee.
NO PUBS INIT
box cos day doen wan all dee beggin letters, sush as ahm needin ten fousand squidley diddleys pronto or dee legs fallin off.
Dis true for mos people, but acherly ahm gled to say I jes chek your ticket and it comin up trumpets. You won 1 million squidleys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! All you gotta do iz sen me your bank account details, pin code, setra and I be transfurin de squidleys pronto, init
OPODO AND RACIAL PREJUDICE
I recently havin a disturbin hinsodent dat summin up dee kind of racism people like me havin to put up wid all dee tahm. Ahm walkin down dee street mindin me own biznis when I happen to bump inter dis fella, hintirley by haxident. For u can sey a ting, him shoutin at me:
Come back here wiv me wallet you b***k b******d.
No ahm findin dis langwich mos disturbin. Dee crect spresun is
Come back here you thievin b**stard.
Now das more pliticly crect. Anyway he only got five squidleys in dee wallet so dee whole affait a cumpleet waste o tahm. I ask yer – Wod dee whirl comin to?
OPODO ON THE WORLD CUP
Now ahm even hearin dares even kweschuns regardin me role in awardin of dee Whirl Cup to Guitar. Parrently some o dee wimpy yuropean players not likin dee idea of runnin roun dee field wen dee temp simla to bein in dee oven, gas mark seven. Dis blatant proper gander. I mean dares plenty Bangra Deshies, buildin dee stadyums no problem. Alright a few missin at dee en of dee day but day mos probly out niteclubbin, init.
Peeple hallso suggestin dat ah been seen sneakin into Self Batter’s room wid a fistful of squidleys. Dares purrfeckly hinnosent eggsplanashun for dis. I was deliverin dee bribe to dee FIFA refree an ah I nocked on dee wrong door.
OPODO ON JACOB ZUMA
Ma ole fren Jacob Zuma in a spotta bovver on account of him buildin dee 50 room manshun wid dee lympic size pool an wid Jack Kussi an luxry chicken run. Fing is, if you top man you needin to show peepel, init. No good bin like Ghandi livin in hole in dee groun. Peepel fink you right banana. Wares dee six story chicken run, Ghandi, and wot you doon in Primark buyin dee loincloff. Wassa point o been in charge if you not filtrin off a few billion squidleys into dee offsure account.
OPODO ON DONALD TRUMP
Peepel bit worried bout Merica now Donald Trumpit in charge jes cause ees gon bangkrupt coupla times, an always spoutin loada bollox, an rubbin up gainst Miss World annat. He jes bean frenley. Dares all dat fuss bout him grabbin dee pussy – wasamattawidat? Dat bloke Blofield always strokin dee kitten when he tockin James Bond, tachin lectrodes to his najas cetra. Nobody complainin bout dat. Minejew dat guinea pig balancin on is hed not foolin anyone. He shud get a transplant like dat Wayn Rooney fella. If you gonna look like a turnip might as well be a hairy one, innit.
OPODO ON BREXIT
Peeple makin a big fuss bout Brexit. Pursnly, I'm tinkin dee EU pritty good. Every a year you gettin few billion squidleys disappearin up dee chimney, an also all dee emmy peas signin on, clectin dee euros den headin for the neares nockin shop for dee rez o dee day. Cos you got dem French farmers sayin I got a cow and coupla chickens so gis a coupla million squidleys tootsweet, an you got dee Greeks not payin no tax an tinkin de taxman a bloke floggin nails, an dee Germans workin dare bollox off jes so dee Spaniads can stay in bed all day. An dee mafya in Italy collectin dee azbetsoz an dumpin it in dee ditch hundred yards down dee road. Souns like dee land of opportuniy to me init.
We gonna do Nigexit – gettaway from all does usless African countries run by dictaters an crooks – dat Mugabe goin to be runnin Zimbabwe country from is gold coffin six feet unnergroun, a dee ress of em no better. Cant leave your bike noware for five minites. Cant get it back coz dares a famly o five reffugees livin in dee saddlebag.
OPODO ON BORIS JOHNSON
I ntice dee brits puttin anuver woman in charge. Dat Melda Marcos got bord wiv shoes an buyin dee leather trousers from Marx n Spenser for thousan squidleys. How she gonna fetch dee water and do dee washin when she too busy keepin Boss Johnson otta truble puttin dee secretary up dee spout an callin dee scousers load idol winjers an upsettin dee Sowdees – oo else you gonna flog all dem fighters to now dee haircaft carriers down the scrapyard. Neway dee wepens only used for dee peacful pupposes part from a bit o target practiss in dee Yemen. Nobody dare anyway. If Boss Johson gettin a bit buv hisself, she shud av a word wiv Putin. Eel sen someone round an slip bitta nuclear waste in is tea, no worries.
OPODO'S 50P SHOP
On dee bright side arm startin a chain o Opodo's fifty pee shop. Everyting cost 50p. Course nuffin works but if day come back you sayin Gor Blimey, mate, wotchya spectin for 50p, bleedin Concorde.
OPODO ON BRITISH SPORT
What hapnin wid dee Bri-ish sports anat. You bin topdog like for donkey’s years and den suddenly you rubbish at evrytin. In dee Worl Cup, dee Germans runnin rings round you, not to mention not beatin anyone at Wimplidon even do you got all dee umpires on your side anat. You rubbish at Cricket and Ruggerby also. Come on you Brits, ged wid dee program.
OPODO'S CHEAP LAPTOPS
Meanwhile I’m havin some very chip laptops recently fallin off dee back o dee lorry, Them got 100 gig hud-drives and memory an stuff like dat. Jes lookon to me website and type in dee credit card details and don worry if dare some unusual wifdrawals for nex coupla weeks while we ironin out dee bugs drin dee system testin.
Dee Legit Biznez Coorporatin Anat
Ahm seerusly tinkin of applyin for dee Apprentiss ting nex year. Seein dis las lot o useless indivjewels linin up in dee bordrm, an Siralin goin you rubbish mate, you din sell a single fish an you doin all dat bitchin sted of gettin on wiv dee job in hand. You fired, gettin dat taxi an buggery off home init.
Ah mean, ahm already havin many fings in common wiv Siralan. Many a time ah bein floggin hookey items, an sellin Hi Fi gear and laptops wot packin up soon as you gednem home when me an Siralin long gone.
People always saying, Opodo you jess like Siralin, mastamyndin dee hinternational biznis from dee hub o yo empire in yo chickn shed roun dee back.
Right now is true we got a bit of a prob wiv peeple nickin dee uprights. So we currently operatin at a firty degree hangle and all dee pencils rollin off dee table anat. I ask you, how can ah field dee mos importan vidjo conferensin when me xecutive chair keep rollin cross dee room and endin out dee frun door in dee chickenshit. Anyways, ahm definitely applyin for dee Apprentiss an booking me flight, so watch out Siralin, yo fired, an Opodo takin over.
We havin problem gettin dee right posman roun here on account of soma dem keep eatin dee letters and parsils anat. Honestly you cant get dee staff dese days.
Anyway latess ting in me product line is jes right for dee couples what findin dee sex life suffrin on account oh dee ol fella gettin a bit droopy a dee crucial moment durin dee sexyal intercoursin. Even meself dees days findin by dee time ahm gettin roun to the fird fat wife ahm seerusly flaggin.
So dees genwin Viagra pills jes dee ting. Dey only dis cheap on accoun o dee lablin mixup at dee pill factry. Stead of stampin dem VIAGRA, dey stampin dem HOSS TRANQUILLISERS. But don worry I parsnaly tested dem by takin four before gwin home to dee free fat wives.
Lemitellya, you aint hearin no complaints from dem, nah worries, aldo it is true dat ahm wakin up five days later livin in a pig sty in Kinshassa. Mus bin sometin I ate.
Also havin a job lot of dee sexy hunderware what was normly retailin at top dollar in dee Ann Summz chain anat. Unfortunately dey only comin in dee XXL size, as I bought dem for dee free fat wives but dem sayin day chafin up dee bum anat. Next tahm I git married I only takin a coupla o dee fat wives on dee honeymoon roun me muvers pless. Dees wimin eider naggin me or makin demands on me body all day.
Dares ownly so much a man can stan, yer hear what ahm sayn.
Anyway got to be goin as we expectin a raid by dee ol bill down at dee warehous. Honesly ahm beginin to tink we havin corrupshun in dee force. Amd sendin dem dee backhanders an dey still haslin deesent law abidin citizens like meself when day shud be catchin dem common crimnals what cant afford dee bribes.
In Nigeria we respectin our elders for all dee wisdom what dey havin even doh dey lookin like a prune what bin in dee sun for a week. But in dee west dee more mature lady not wantin people to know she geddin over dee hill an pastit an suffrin wid dee lines in dee face and dee certin bits goin all saggy init.
So ladies I have jes dee product for you. Is dee finesse moistrizin potion what ever bin invented. Pud dis on dee face an dee lines disappearin pronto. No need for dee botox an havin dee face lif an endin up lookin like dee chinese fella wid dee wiggon. Wid me moistrisin potion, you looking 20 years younger an fightin off dee yung fellas all dey long. Dis produc poplar wiv all dee pop stars such as Atomic Kitty, Grils Allowd an Victoria Beckenham.
Jes one ting: due to a labellin mix up a dee factree dee bottles marked 'Hembamin Fluid' but dis why dey so cheap. Ahm can do em ad 5 squidleys a bottle or free for twenny.
Ah been hearin bout dee latess Damon Hust exhibition, an frankly I tink him restin on dee laurels a bit much lately. I mean, gone are dee days when him out there fightin dee live shark wid dee chainsaw. Now das what I call consepshul art, init. Havin sed dat, I am admirin dee skull wid all dee diamons stuck on and ahm sayin to dee fat wife #2 How bout I buy dat piece for dee birthday anat, an she sayin, 'What good dat piece a junk, less corse you getin 2 o dem for dee matchin earins,' I tell yer dese woman is right philinsteins: Day wouldn know a piece of art from a hol in dee groun (Aldoh Ahm hearin Tracey Amen workin on sometin simlar at dee moment).
Anyway I'm hapnen to have in my possession some autentic pieces by Husty, only istead o dee skull, we are havin' dee lampstans and istead o dee diamonds de lampstans decorated wid dee seashells. If you stickin the lampshade in dee ear you kin hear dee actshul soun o dee ocean. So you gettin function, soun, an light all in dee same multimedja an athletically pleasin' packej. I'll be knockin dese out at, less say, a hundred squidleys a piece including dee 13 amp plug. Das not askin too much for dee art masterpiece is it, and, unlike dee Damon Hust shark, dese ones not goin rotten and stinkin out dee hole house anat.
Yo, what happnin wid ma good frens in Englan. Opodo here updatin you wid dee hot biznez tips and vestment hopportunities all dee way from ma groun floor penthouse an chickn shed here in sunny Nigeria. But first a warnin. Dare is some right hookey fellas out here, jes like dee ones you watchin on Only Fools and Hosis. Lemetellya, deese men day sell dare own granparen for fifty squidleys, knowin full well dat de goin' rate is two hunnerd, minmum. Dems a disgrace to dee legit biznez community init.
Now ma feelin bout you mafren is you is already sometin of a hinternational biznezman yoursell, no doubt havin' dee spots car, dee big wad, puffin on dee cigar wid a coupla fifteen-stone beauties on dee arm, anat - just like dee billionaire Siralan Sugars sayin 'You din sell nuff ice-cream Yo fired. An no nickin any paper clips on dee way out anat'.
So, by now, you champin at dee bit, to hear ma latist busniz propositnin an me Powder Point Presingtation . Well ahm happin to have a good fren in dee govermen who havin 10 million squidleys dat needin to be exported out of dee country pronto an him not wantin to give the plice dee backhander. What is dee worl comin too, I ask yo, dee plice out here wantin a lees 50 per cent? In Englan dee plice much more honest - day only wantin ten per cent. Das fair nuff an more like it init?
So we lookin for a bank account to stick dis money in for a coupla days. Den when ma man is safly out dee country, you writin him dee check for 9 million. Dat mean you keeping 2 million for yoself. Magin dat, you be just like dat David Beckenam fella only wid dee free fat ladies, not dat scrawny Posh woman who lookin dees days like dee chicken wid dee feathers fallen off.
All we need doin is you to sen me yo bank accoun details including dee pin number. Dis is jes a precaution as we findin' dare is some right crooks even in Englan dees days. I hear dat Jeffrey Archer endin' up in dee chokey, even doh him havin plenty cash for dee bribes anat
Anyway, lookin fowad to hearin from you soon.
Ahm written' to you to tell yo bout may latest bizness as ah tink yo goin to like dees one, shonuff
Ahm startin up dee offshore dentistry operation. Includin in dee price is dee hairfare, dee five night stay in dee fines hotel - Ahm talkin' five stars luxry, defnetly, no chickens peckin' bout in dee lobby anat - plus you getting all dee dental work wat need doin. Dis is done by the hinternationally well know dentist an my good fren Mr John Smith who comin to Nigeria following dee baseless allegators about dee woman havin dee clothin adjusted while day sleepin in dee chair, an maybe him losin one or two patients while doin de fillins. Lemetellya, dat sort ting can happen all dee time to dee best dentists. Is jes racism cause John is Polish init..
Anyway you havin de choice - treatmen in dee mornin' when dee hans may be a bit shakey, or treatmen in dee hafternoon when John sometimes passin out on account of a coupla stiff ones in dee lunchhour. Is entirely up to you. But as day sayin on der telly dee price is right, You dwon go roun lookin like you bin chewin Liqrice allsorts for dee res o yo life, do you?
Dis am comin up to dee twenief anniversary of dee great pop musician Missa John Lennon.Many young peeple ignorant an not knowin dee story of John – like how he had many hits wid des Beatlees - Elinno Rigsby, Hello Submarine, Sometin, A Hardez Nite, Lady Macdonalds anat. But den him linkin up wid Yokel OhNo! and people sayin 'What he doin wid dat ol bag?' an dee answer comin 'He in dare wid Yokel coss, day in dee bag for peace. For dis, dey tryin standin in dee bucket fo peace, hangin out dee window for peace anat but nuffin workin. Then one day dey git in dee bag an for you know it, all dee soldiers sayin 'Hey man gotta stop all dis killin cause John and Yokel are in dee bag, right on, fancy nuvver spliff man?' anat.
So dee Vietnam war endin' and peace rainin in dee worl. But den trajedy strick. Dees fan pullin out dee Magnum, not dee choc ice ahm talkin bout, an Johns dead on dee pavemen. Still a leas Yokel still around wid dee art instillitions like you climbin up dee ladder an reading dee sign sayin 'Wad you doin up here man.' Now das wat I call profoun.
To comemirate John geddin done in, ahm having some original artefacts available for dee sellin. I got fag packets wid dee orignal lyrics when John furs work dem out. Dees de actual fag packets and no jes somin knockd up in dee chicken shed by ma good fren Osama. Dis am a little sample:
"Magin dares no cornflakes
Is not hard to do
Nuffin to munch or snack on
An no All Bran too"
Yo probly been hearin bout dee Global Warnin and dee oil runnin out an stuff. Dis am dee number one problem facin dee planet. Much worse dan dee war on terriers like what Presden Bush talking bout. Well tahm to stop worryin cause I havin the solution right here, an no one else cotnin on yit. What ahm talking bout is runnin dee cars on banana juice. Das right. Dis am a low cost, non pullutin solution an dee only downside I can tink of, is the acciden wiv people slippin on dee banana skin. But den it jes big laffs all roun. Jes like watchin Mr Bean in one a hims hlarous filims.
Now it jes so appens me cousin havin a small banana plantation. Once we built de refinery then everyone drivin roun Lagos on dee banana juice, dendee cash start rollin in, nah problem. So get dee check off to me biznez address an sit back an wait for dee cash to come rollin in.