Dear Mr Munch,

Thanks for your picture. Frankly there's not a lot of call for pictures of people being miserable on bridges these days. In these worrying times, with Brexit and stuff, people want to be cheered up a bit and not go round screaming all day. Mrs Fepps tells me that Swedish people like being miserable – something to do with the fjords apparently. Perhaps if we had some ducks in the background, or a sailing boat, you know, something a bit more cheerful.

Dear Mr Botticelli,

Now what an earth is going on here? That cockle shell is far too large, or those people are ridiculously small. A simple measuring tape could have sorted this out. And that lady doesn't need to cover the nude woman with a blanket - we're all adults here. I suggest you start again and keep off those exotic cigarettes until you've finished.

Dear Mr Pollock,

We couldn't make head nor tail of your painting - all those squiggles and lines. Mrs Febbs thought it might one of those Magic Eye pictures, but she's been staring at it for half an hour now and she still can't see the rabbit,

Dear Mr Picasso,

Oh dear, you’ve got it all wrong again. Before you send us any more pictures we suggest you avail yourself of one of the evening art courses in your area which will help you with getting the nose the right way round and the eyes in the right place, etc, etc. Always best to get the basics right before going on to the clever stuff

Dear Mr Rubens

Thank you for your latest picture but we must say once again you have chosen fat nude women as your subject. In these days of obesity and other health scares we need to be more responsible in what we portray so can we suggest that in your next picture you go for women who are a bit thinner. Mrs Fepps suggests your models might like to try Weight Watchers. Have a word with Mr Lowry who is very good on very thin people.

Dear Mr Magritte

Mrs Fepps says your French translation is not quite right. It should be ‘Ceci est une pipe’. Also it’s a bit insulting to our customers who are quite capable of working out whether it’s a pipe or not. Mr Rubens doesn’t write ‘This is a fat nude woman wrestling with a swan,’at the bottom of his pictures does he? - he lets the viewer work out what’s going on for himself

Dear Mr Constable,

Thanks for your latest picture. As always we have to say that it’s all a bit ‘chocolate boxey’, don't you think? I think Huntley and Palmers might use it for one of their biscuit tins. Perhaps you’ll have better luck with them. By the way, Mrs Fepps thinks your picture is historically inaccurate – it’s barges that went along the rivers, not carts.

Dear Mr Gainsborough,

We liked this picture of Mr and Mrs Andrews but thought perhaps next time you could chose some people who are a bit more ‘normal’ looking, y'know, less ugly. Also there’s a lot of irrelevant trees and fields on the right. To help you out we have chopped this bit off and thrown it away. I think you’ll agree the picture’s much better now, although we still can’t use it.

Dear Mr Turner,

Thanks you for your latest landscape which seems to be of a big blue smudgey thing with some funny squiggles in the foreground. What we would suggest is not to paint when it's all misty or foggy. Go out on a nice clear day and then we’ll get a proper picture instead of all this blurry stuff. Mrs Fepps thinks you might have cataracts. She says you should have gone to Specsavers. We all had a good laugh about that.

Dear L S Lowry, or can we call you L,

This is a great improvement on those stick figures you sent us before, now they almost look like people. It's all a bit depressing though, isn't it? Why not show people out for a nice walk in the countryside.

Dear Mr Banksy,

Thanks you for the large chunk of wall you sent us. Although we quite like the picture on it, you can't exactly hang it on the wall, can you? That's artists for you isn't it though, they never appreciate the practicalities. Mr Gormley sent us this massive metal man. We couldn't get it through the door and the postman wouldn't take it back

Dear Ms Emin,

Thanks for sending us the bed. We don't normally deal with beds and we think you must be mixing us up with DFS. Mrs Fepps says those sheets could with a good wash and we won't even mention the unmentionables