Title
Speak Eastenders in a Day
Ever since Dick Van Dyke donned his sweep outfit and uttered the immortal words 'I bin up the chimerley Myrry Poorpins,' people have been trying to impersonate those cheerful cockneys with their colourful language and occasional tendency to psychopathic violence. Visitors to this country watch East Enders under the impression that the inhabitants are speaking a strange foreign language and look in vain for subtitles to explain what's going on. Use our guide below to help you speak this colourful dialect
Wossat? What is that object?
Wossap? What seems to be the problem?
Wah Jew looknat? Do you wish to fight?
Yoravin a larf incha You don't appear to have any meat dishes in this vegetarian restaurant
Jew fink eyes born yes tiddy These potatoes are too expensive
Are fort you wuzded You have returned to Albert Square because the job on 'The Bill' didn't work out *
U slairg Cockney fullstop
Jna wadda mi Alternative cockney fullstop
Eayah First word always spoken by a female character
Are yate you, u slairg You have slept with my boyfriend
Wasi all a bart I am confused by my current predicament
Farq me Gosh
Farq nell Golly gosh
U carnt You are an unpleasant person
U farq in carnt You are a very unpleasant person
U add it orf wivme bruvver We are victims of soap opera plotting conventions
Saw id I am in possession of some illegal substances
Lee vi ar I beg to differ
Farq orff Would you mind leaving at the earliest opportunity
Lee vitees not wurf i Indulging in fisticuffs with this person would be counter productive
Ahm garn up dee apples an pez I am a cockney impersonator.
Waa choo avin? I am in the Queen Vic for plot progression purposes
You car You are an unappealing female
You sli car You are an unintelligent and unappealing female
Pigoi Landlady
Yor faimly you is A bald-headed psychopath has taken a shine to you
Gnave a ri ol nee zup An evening of drinking, singing and dancing followed by violence and a trip to casualty for stitches and limb reattachment.

* N.B. The only sure way of killing off any character on Eastenders is to put a stake through their heart and preferably decapitate them onscreen.