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The Whositof Visitors Guide to Britain
Millions of people visit our shores every day and for many of them this will be the first time experiencing many aspects of British culture. Whositof.com has compiled this list of handy tips which will help them negotiate the minefield of British traditions without too many mishaps
If you're stopped by immigration officers at the airport don't say you're just over for weekend break. They tend to get bored with that. Say you're hoping to be over for 20 years and ask where to collect your Job Seeker's Allowance and how long the waiting list is for hernia operations.

The boxes at the front of fruit stalls contain free fruit. Help yourself as you're passing.

Armed guards at airports have a boring job. Liven things up by rushing up to them and shouting 'Look out my anorak is filled with dynamite.'

British people are multilingual and love to learn new languages, so always speak in your own tongue. If they don't understand you, just speak louder or shout at them.

When ordering in Macdonalds always consult the staff as to which wine to have with your meal. Always have a long chat with them about the weather. The people in the queue won't mind at all. After all - what's the rush?

When travelling on a bus, be sure to pay for your fare with a fifty pound note.

Many celebrities such as Gwyneth Paltrow and Johnny Depp live in London. If you see a celebrity, follow then from a discreet distance. If they look back, hide in a shop doorway. If they go into their house, see if you can find an open window to climb in. If they scream, don't worry. It's all part of the fun.

Although British people will always queue politely, this tradition does not apply to foreigners. Just go straight to the front of the queue.

When you pass people in Scotland, always shout out 'Och aye the Noo'. They never tire of hearing it.

If you're dark-skinned, look out for people wearing EDF t-shirts and tattoos. Shake them by the hand and say, 'Hello. I'm your new neighbour.'

Taxis and men driving white vans are sticklers for the Highway Code, but it's always worth pulling out in front of them without signalling, just to keep them on their toes.

Speed cameras enforce minimum speeds, so put that foot down as soon as you see one.

You must never park on double yellow lines except of course if you're just nipping into the offy for a packet of fags. In this case just put on your hazard warning lights and stay as long as you like.

If you break down on the motorway, stop in the fast lane and remain in your car. There's bound to be someone along in a minute.

In supermarkets all goods are electronically tagged and their cost will be automatically deducted from your credit card. So wheel your trolley straight past the checkout and into the car park. If the fat security guard calls out, just run away as fast as you. Poor bloke, he needs the exercise.

All gardens in England are always open to the public. Just hop over the back fence and have a look round. The best time to visit is in the middle of the night.

In Britain cars and lorries drive on the left, bicycles should follow the line along the middle of the road.

English women like having their bottoms pinched on the tube. Go on, you know you want to.

Loose women in Britain generally have very short hair and wear dungarees and Doctor Martin boots. If you see such women, go up to them and make an amusing sexual innuendo such as 'Phwor! Don't get many of them to the pound.' You'll all have a good laugh about it afterwards.

If you're lucky enough to get close to the Queen - at the Trooping of the Colour for example - you'll might like to present her with a hunting knife to add to her collection. Just jump over the barrier and rush towards her waving your knife it the air. No need to wrap it up