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Health Minister Andrew Lansley denied once again that the NHS remains under threat from privatisation. As Mr Lansley was leaving the podium he fell down the steps and broke his ankle. He was picked up in a Malboro Lights ambulance and is now being treated in the Virgin A&E department of his nearest Travelodge.

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In a recent survey looking into how the housework is split between partners, 10% of men replied to the question 'Do You Have a Dishwasher?' answered 'Yes, and she's a pretty good cook too.'

TRUE STORY


I met this bloke walking down the street the other day. I reckon he was six foot nine tall with hands the size of dinner plates and his head was bigger than a bowling ball.

'You know your trouble, mate?' he says.

What's that?' I say

'You're always exagerrating'

COPING WITH THE DOWNTURN

#No 47.STEALING

Times are hard, credit cards are maxed out and banks are unwilling to lend, so why not try stealing. Even cheaper than Ebay, stealing allows you access a wide variety of goods at no cost. Many people are under the impression that only chavs and persons from Liverpool are allowed to steal. This is not so, stealing is available to all classes and could seriously reduce your outgoings.

For small items, simple select them from any shop and then run out of the door. If you don’t want to be recognised, you can wear a ‘hoody’ or a burqa which can be obtained from a passing Moslem (See #53 Mugging).

For large ticket items such as jewelry crash your Range Rover into the front of the shop and select the required items from the display.

For a wider selection of barely-used items, burgle your neighbour’s house. Rifling through their things will also give you items of personal information which may come in handy later (See #83 Blackmail)

To avoid embarrassing confrontations, chose a time to do this when the neighbours are out and, unless you’re thinking of setting fire to the house to remove incriminating evidence, avoid leaving fingerprints – although, if your neighbours are close personal friends, your fingerprints will be everywhere anyway. Some burglars like to take a dump in the living room but this is by no means compulsory.

Please note that all of these activities are against the law. This is not a problem though, simple tell the judge that you are suffering from anxiety and depression and/or are under the doctor and he will let you off scott free. Try to work in a mention of your golf club so that he will know you are not working class. You never know, the judge might be up for a game once he has finished sending the chavs to prison.

Scientists have discovered that Beta Blockers in some cases have the unusual side effect of reducing racism. They are now looking at an anti-histamine that is thought to reduce the tendency to vote Conservative, and a laxative that also helps people who find Chris Moyles entertaining.

A survey into people's geographical knowledge has revealed that 25% of people thought Ayer's Rock is near Wisbech, 10% thought that Everest is Britain's tallest mountain and 15% thought that Stonehenge is located in Florida. The survey was conducted amongst the residents of the Soweto district of Chelmsford.

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Eastenders

BBC denied that it's new Saturday evening show was yet another Karaoke talent show where the contestants were judged by a celebrity panel. A BBC spokesman said, 'There be no mocking of deluded individuals who are labouring under the misapprehension that they have some sort of talent. 'We would never treat our panel like that,' he added.

The RSPCA have revealed that Huskie's are the 12th most common dog being left at Battersea Dog's Home. The cause of this increase has been traced to a Bumper Sticker which said 'A dog is not just for Christmas. You can use it through January to pull the car through the snow drifts but probably best to dump it when the daffodils start showing.

Ketamin its to lose its Class C status following evidence that this increasingly popular club drug which can suppress heart function and lead to unconsciousness. Clubbers were heard to comment 'Blimey who'd've thought a drug used as a horse tranquillizer could be dangerous for humans, init.'

Scientists have created a new type of orange that combats obesity, heart disease and irritable bowel syndrome. They are now working on a melon that cures Schizophrenia and a Satsuma that fixes sprained ankles.

Controversy has been raging over the restoration of the Leonardo Da Vinci’s The Last Supper which was damaged during the Napoleonic and 2nd World Wars. Experts suggest that the restorer has placed Christ’s left hand sleeve lying on the table whereas contemporary copies suggest that his sleeve should actually be falling behind the table. Experts also suggest that it is extremely unlikely that Leonardo Da Vinci would actually know what a Smurf looks like.

News Reports suggest that Asma El-Assad, English born wife of Syrian leader President Bashar Al-Assad has denied that she has carried on spending large amounts of money on luxury items such as a £6000 marble-topped table and a £5000 Reflex Avantgarde cabinet despite the current crisis. Mrs Assad also denies she is oblivious to the violence and turmoil that have racked the country for months. She is quoted as saying. ‘Yes it’s an absolute nightmare out there. It took nearly four weeks to have my new fondue set delivered.’

There was shock and consternation at Goldman Sachs when a former employee resigned suggesting that all the group were interested in was profits and bonuses with no thought to the welfare of their clients. He said, ‘When I first joined Goldman Sachs the firm was all about helping the poor, assisting old ladies across the road and rescuing small birds whose tiny wings had been damaged. Now the bottom line is just money, money, money’ Goldman Sachs were asked to provide a spokesman for comment but they said he was too busy trying to coax down a small kitten that was caught in a tree.

A man accused of selling a fake burial box supposedly belonging to Jesus’s brother James was cleared by a judge who said it could not be deemed a fake beyond all reasonable doubt. Although the fact that it played Greensleeves when the lid was opened was, he agreed, a little suspicious.

We would like to correct a statement from last week’s show when we suggested that William Roach – Ken Barlow in Coronation Street - had put 1000 woman to sleep. What we should have said was that William Roach had slept with over a 1000 women. The BBC would like to make it clear that neither William Roach nor Ken Barlow are in any way boring. They are in fact fascinating people and great fun at parties.

Scientists have shown that man-made chemicals such as Bisphenol A or BPA a common substance in food packaging and plastic bottles may be contributing to the sharp rise in obesity in Western Societies. They have suggested that if fat people ate a little more slowly and always remembered to take burgers and coke out of their containers before they consumed them, obesity levels could be reduced dramatically.

In last weeks edition we should have quoted Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad as saying 'Our nuclear installations are for peaceful power generation purposes only' and not 'Nyair, nyair, we nearly gotta a bomb ready, infidel scum, init.'

Richard Dawkins was misquoted on the radio as saying ‘Oh God’ when what he actually said was ‘Oh imaginary being of whom there is no real evidence of his existence.’

A Tesco spokesman denied today that it was using the unemployed as slave labour and stated that the ankle chains worn by some of the participants were purely decorative.

European Leaders denied that conditions on the Greek bail out were punitive and that anyway the Acropolis will look perfectly fine in Berlin.

We would like to confirm that Theresa May's intention to split the Border Agency in two refers to the organisation itself rather than the people who work there.

There was confusion this week when Katie Price arrived to have her breast implants removed at a NHS hospital. Katie was quoted as saying 'I only wanted 2 out. Not all sixteen.'

Police apologised today for the arrest of several participants at a Hindu festival. They stated that when these people claimed to have seen blue women with multiple arms and a blue man with an elephant’s head, the police assumed they must have been taking LSD.

Vivienne Westwood withdrew her comments yesterday that ‘People have never looked so ugly as they do today regarding their dress’ when she realised she'd actually been attending one of her own catwalk shows.

David Cameron today denied that British troops were going to be sent into Syria. He said the Syrian people seemed to be making a fine job of introducing complete chaos and anarchy on their own without the assistance of British forces.

A government spokesman said today that the right of headteachers to allow pupils to take holidays during term time was to be withdrawn. He said that some parents were taking advantage of the system by taking their children round museums, art galleries and historical sites when they should be school flicking paper pellets at the teachers.

The man who was found alive after being stranded in his car for two months said that luckily he had a supply of high calorie food full of sugar and fat. He was quoted as saying ‘From now on I shall always shop at Iceland.’

Following the sinking of one of their cruise ships and a major fire in the pirate infested Indian Ocean, Costa Cruises have decided to change their slogan from ‘The Cruise of a Lifetime’ to ‘Costa Cruises; the holiday that is statistically unlikely to involve another major accident’.

The mother whose children were left for hours inside a locked car with no windows open while she queued to buy trainers was quoted as saying ‘I can’t see what the problem is, I’ve already bought their Nikes.’

Riots in Afghanistan were calmed this week when was revealed that the fire that consumed copies of the Koran also burned several Jeffrey Archer novels and the latest Jordan biography.

There was suspicions that a rally for Vladimir Putin may have been less spontaneous than at first appeared when several pensioners arriving in coaches were heard to say, ‘I thought we were going to Aberystwyth’.

Vladimir Putin denies accusations that voting in the forthcoming elections are likely to be rigged. Voting takes place on Sunday 4th of March with the result due to be unveiled the day before.

Scientists have created a new type of orange that combats obesity, heart disease and irritable bowel syndrome. They are now working on a melon that cures Schizophrenia and a Satsuma that fixes sprained ankles.

Customs officials have seized 15 chameleons, six Komodo Dragons and four Cayman Crocodiles after a man attempted to smuggle then into the USA in his suitcases. The smuggling might not have come to light had not Ryanair placed a £100 surcharge on any animals whose name begins with a 'C'

A block of granite weighing 240 tonnes, roughly the size of a two story house arrived in Los Angeles at the weekend, loaded on a 176 wheel transporter. It will be set in place above a trench to appear as if floating, in an art installation at the Los Angeles County Museum of Art. A similar installation is due at the Tate Modern in London next year featuring Eric Pickles.

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