Pete Barrett Plays and More

Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Or probably not.

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I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench.
I’ve given up converting fractions to decimals I just can’t see the point.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films.
I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not? He said, It’s the thin end of the veg.
A bloke came up to me and said, ‘Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn’t make any sense.
I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted.
An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual. Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git.
Isn’t time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it’s not rocket science
I’m against binge drinking. In fact, I don’t even like binge
I’m no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating
Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring.
I’m not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don’t even like the Pape.
My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy.
Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: – ‘We’re going to hang you.’
A friend asked if I’d like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone.
I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration.
On my bedroom wall I have a 3D painting of a fat, bald, deluded ex-president. It is my Trump L’Oeil.
I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare.
Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
Do you know what’s a good thing for a headache – banging your head against the wall.
Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we.
Two pigs were talking. One said. ‘I’m not happy.’ and the other said, ‘No shit.”
I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all.
I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, ‘I think this must be my case.’ He said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’
Where not to live if you’ve got a stutter Kirkcudbright.
Two frogs were talking. One said, ‘Ribbet, ribbet’ and the other said, ‘Heard it!’
Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn’t see that one coming.
My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again?
Two cows were talking. One said, ‘Moo’ and the other said, ‘There you go again.’
I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch.
I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit.
My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed outside a kebab shop.
You can’t have your cake and eat it, unless of course you’re bulimic.
Where to go if you’re a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam.


And So Farewell


Random image
And so farewell Dave Prowse.
You were The Green Cross Man and also Darth Vader.
Because of political correctness gone mad.
They decided not to use your real voice in Star Wars.
No one understands why.
It would have been brilliant.
'The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant
Next to the force, mind, my lover.
Them thar Starm Troopers done a grand job, did'nus.
I knew that Luke Skywalker when e was a babber.
Come to kill me 'ave you, oo ark at 'e.
You don't not know the power of the Dark Side, me 'ansome'.
That Death Star is ulking and right lush, innit.
No, Luke, me lovely. I am your father, dy'wan a pasty? Yer 'tis.'
Today we reveal the shocking truth about the latest Konspiracy theory.

Today’s Konspiracy Question.

Is the world being run by shape shifting lizards?

Our Answer: No. It isn’t

Feast yourself on these pre-loved classics from my old website Why do women need so many shoes? Find the answer in my GUIDE TO WOMEN Learn how BILL AND BEN were a front end for Maoist fanatics and the true terrifying meaning of flob-a-lob. Read the devastating LOVE STORY about a boy in love with a girl who cares nothing for Flipper the insensitive bitch. Also read about THE DANGERS OF COMMUNISM and why Putin is not the shy, sensitive type he appears on the surface. Boney M better than the Beatles worse than Banananarama. Find the truth behind their GREATEST HITS You thought Star Wars was the greatest thing since sliced breadmen from Tattoine. Read my STAR WARS page to find out the horrible truth. Ronald Reagan used the dark powers to decide whether to bomb Russia or have a day off. Destiny awaits you at my GUIDE TO YOUR STARS page. It wasn’t always easy for the world’s greatest artists, such as myself. Read how even the greatest artists suffered endless REJECTION LETTERS Johnny Foreigner is not so bad but don’t understand our English ways. My GUIDE FOR FOREIGNERS will soon put them straight. Still reading those old NURSERY RHYMES to your children. You need to wise up to their sinister propagandist intent. Do you suffer from Deja Vu? Do you also suffer from Deja Vu? Might it be that you’re DRINKING TOO MUCH? Do you have trouble distinguishing boiled beef from carrots. You need to LEARN TO SPEAK COCKNEY I am a man of letters. In fact have sixteen letters in my name and that’s just for starters. Checkout my LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

© Pete Barrett 2021