Pete Barrett Plays and More

Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Or probably not.

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Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell.
I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all.
I’m not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don’t even like the Pape.
Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we.
My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again?
I’m no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating
I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, ‘I think this must be my case.’ He said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’
I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch.
Where to go if you’re a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam.
Two cows were talking. One said, ‘Moo’ and the other said, ‘There you go again.’
I’m against binge drinking. In fact, I don’t even like binge
Do you know what’s a good thing for a headache – banging your head against the wall.
Two frogs were talking. One said, ‘Ribbet, ribbet’ and the other said, ‘Heard it!’
I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare.
I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit.
Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: – ‘We’re going to hang you.’
You can’t have your cake and eat it, unless of course you’re bulimic.
Two pigs were talking. One said. ‘I’m not happy.’ and the other said, ‘No shit.”
A bloke came up to me and said, ‘Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn’t make any sense.
Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring.
Isn’t time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it’s not rocket science
My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed outside a kebab shop.
I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration.
On my bedroom wall I have a 3D painting of a fat, bald, deluded ex-president. It is my Trump L’Oeil.
I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films.
An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual. Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git.
I’ve given up converting fractions to decimals I just can’t see the point.
Where not to live if you’ve got a stutter Kirkcudbright.
I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not? He said, It’s the thin end of the veg.
My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy.
Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn’t see that one coming.
A friend asked if I’d like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench.


And So Farewell


Random image
And so farewell Barbara Windsor.
You were landlady at the Old Vic.
Get out of my pub, that was your catchphrase,
A packet of Smokey Bacon crisps does not qualify,
As a substantial meal.
You were in a series of Carry On films, it says here.
Having watched a few now, I think they should be banned
Immediately, if not sooner.
They make no sense.
Why, when a lady is walking,
Is there always a man playing a saxophone nearby.
Be realistic, what are the chances of that happening?
“Phwoar! Don't get many of them to the pound.”
Is a pointless phrase if you don't specify the commodity involved.
Saying “Ding Dong” when a young lady walks by,
Is offensive to both feminists, and to a lesser extent, bellringers.
"Are you satisfied with your equipment, Miss Allcock?"
"Well, I've had no complaints so far."
Who is Miss Allcock and what is the nature of her equipment?
And why is Kenneth Williams lusting after Hattie Jacques
When she's huge and he's a homosexual?
And why does everyone say
“Oooo, Matron!” All the time?
I think we should be told.
Today we reveal the shocking truth about the latest Konspiracy theory.

Today’s Konspiracy Question.

Is the world being run by shape shifting lizards?

Our Answer: No. It isn’t

Feast yourself on these pre-loved classics from my old website Why do women need so many shoes? Find the answer in my GUIDE TO WOMEN Learn how BILL AND BEN were a front end for Maoist fanatics and the true terrifying meaning of flob-a-lob. Read the devastating LOVE STORY about a boy in love with a girl who cares nothing for Flipper the insensitive bitch. Also read about THE DANGERS OF COMMUNISM and why Putin is not the shy, sensitive type he appears on the surface. Boney M better than the Beatles worse than Banananarama. Find the truth behind their GREATEST HITS You thought Star Wars was the greatest thing since sliced breadmen from Tattoine. Read my STAR WARS page to find out the horrible truth. Ronald Reagan used the dark powers to decide whether to bomb Russia or have a day off. Destiny awaits you at my GUIDE TO YOUR STARS page. It wasn’t always easy for the world’s greatest artists, such as myself. Read how even the greatest artists suffered endless REJECTION LETTERS Johnny Foreigner is not so bad but don’t understand our English ways. My GUIDE FOR FOREIGNERS will soon put them straight. Still reading those old NURSERY RHYMES to your children. You need to wise up to their sinister propagandist intent. Do you suffer from Deja Vu? Do you also suffer from Deja Vu? Might it be that you’re DRINKING TOO MUCH? Do you have trouble distinguishing boiled beef from carrots. You need to LEARN TO SPEAK COCKNEY I am a man of letters. In fact have sixteen letters in my name and that’s just for starters. Checkout my LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

© Pete Barrett 2021