Pete Barrett

Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Or probably not.

Site Under Construction

I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, ‘I think this must be my case.’ He said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’

I’m not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don’t even like the Pape.

Where not to live if you’ve got a stutter Kirkcudbright.

I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare.

A friend asked if I’d like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone.

Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: – ‘We’re going to hang you.’

I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted.

Isn’t time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it’s not rocket science

My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy.

I’m against binge drinking. In fact, I don’t even like binge

An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual.Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git.

My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again?

I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration.

Where to go if you’re a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam.

A bloke came up to me and said, ‘Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn’t make any sense.

My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed outside a kebab shop.

Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’

I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench.

I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films.

You can’t have your cake and eat it, unless of course you’re bulimic.

Two pigs were talking. One said. ‘I’m not happy.’ and the other said, ‘No shit.”

I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all.

Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn’t see that one coming.

Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we.

I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch.

Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell.

Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’

Two cows were talking. One said, ‘Moo’ and the other said, ‘There you go again.’

I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not? He said, It’s the thin end of the veg.

I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit.

On my bedroom wall I have a 3D painting of a fat, bald, deluded ex-president. It is my Trump L’Oeil.

Two frogs were talking. One said, ‘Ribbet, ribbet’ and the other said, ‘Heard it!’

Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring.

Do you know what’s a good thing for a headache – banging your head against the wall.

I’m no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating

I’ve given up converting fractions to decimals I just can’t see the point.

Fakes

And So Farewell

Konspiracies

And so farewell Barbara Windsor.
You were landlady at the Old Vic.
Get out of my pub, that was your catchphrase,
A packet of Smokey Bacon crisps does not qualify,
As a substantial meal.
You were in a series of Carry On films, it says here.
Having watched a few now, I think they should be banned
Immediately, if not sooner.
They make no sense.
Why, when a lady is walking,
Is there always a man playing a saxophone nearby.
Be realistic, what are the chances of that happening?
“Phwoar! Don't get many of them to the pound.”
Is a pointless phrase if you don't specify the commodity involved.
Saying “Ding Dong” when a young lady walks by,
Is offensive to both feminists, and to a lesser extent, bellringers.
"Are you satisfied with your equipment, Miss Allcock?"
"Well, I've had no complaints so far."
Who is Miss Allcock and what is the nature of her equipment?
And why is Kenneth Williams lusting after Hattie Jacques
When she's huge and he's a homosexual?
And why does everyone say
“Oooo, Matron!” All the time?
I think we should be told.

Today we reveal the shocking truth about the latest Konspiracy theory. Today’s Konspiracy Question. Is the world being run by shape shifting lizards? Our Answer: No. It isn’t

FROM THE ARCHIVES.

Feast yourself on these pre-loved classics from my old website Why do women need so many shoes? Find the answer in my GUIDE TO WOMEN Learn how BILL AND BEN were a front end for Maoist fanatics and the true terrifying meaning of flob-a-lob. Read the devastating LOVE STORY about a boy in love with a girl who cares nothing for Flipper the insensitive bitch. Also read about THE DANGERS OF COMMUNISM and why Putin is not the shy, sensitive type he appears on the surface. Boney M better than the Beatles worse than Banananarama. Find the truth behind their GREATEST HITS You thought Star Wars was the greatest thing since sliced breadmen from Tattoine. Read my STAR WARS page to find out the horrible truth. Ronald Reagan used the dark powers to decide whether to bomb Russia or have a day off. Destiny awaits you at my GUIDE TO YOUR STARS page. It wasn’t always easy for the world’s greatest artists, such as myself. Read how even the greatest artists suffered endless REJECTION LETTERS Johnny Foreigner is not so bad but don’t understand our English ways. My GUIDE FOR FOREIGNERS will soon put them straight. Still reading those old NURSERY RHYMES to your children. You need to wise up to their sinister propagandist intent. Do you suffer from Deja Vu? Do you also suffer from Deja Vu? Might it be that you’re DRINKING TOO MUCH? Do you have trouble distinguishing boiled beef from carrots. You need to LEARN TO SPEAK COCKNEY I am a man of letters. In fact have sixteen letters in my name and that’s just for starters. Checkout my LETTERS TO THE EDITOR