Pete Barrett Plays and More

Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair! Or probably not.

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I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted.
I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit.
An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual. Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git.
Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell.
I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch.
I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench.
I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare.
I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, ‘I think this must be my case.’ He said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’
Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring.
On my bedroom wall I have a 3D painting of a fat, bald, deluded ex-president. It is my Trump L’Oeil.
You can’t have your cake and eat it, unless of course you’re bulimic.
I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all.
Isn’t time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it’s not rocket science
My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed outside a kebab shop.
Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn’t see that one coming.
Do you know what’s a good thing for a headache – banging your head against the wall.
I’m not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don’t even like the Pape.
A friend asked if I’d like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we.
I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not? He said, It’s the thin end of the veg.
I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films.
Where not to live if you’ve got a stutter Kirkcudbright.
I’ve given up converting fractions to decimals I just can’t see the point.
My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again?
Two frogs were talking. One said, ‘Ribbet, ribbet’ and the other said, ‘Heard it!’
I’m no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating
Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: – ‘We’re going to hang you.’
My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
Two pigs were talking. One said. ‘I’m not happy.’ and the other said, ‘No shit.”
A bloke came up to me and said, ‘Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn’t make any sense.
I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration.
Two cows were talking. One said, ‘Moo’ and the other said, ‘There you go again.’
Where to go if you’re a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam.
I’m against binge drinking. In fact, I don’t even like binge

Fakes

And So Farewell

Konspiracies

Random image
And so farewell Annie Ross.
You were a well known jazz singer, it says here.
Jazz is similar to music
Except it's rubbish.
People who listen to jazz wear black turtle-neck sweaters
And smoke Gitaines,
Gitaines are similar to cigaraettes
Except they're rubbish and smell like old tyres
Jazz is sued on the soundtrack of French New Wave films
Which are similar to ordinary films
Except they're rubbish
With no car chases, explosions or fights
Just French people sitting around smoking Gitains,
And talking about how miserable they are.
Today we reveal the shocking truth about the latest Konspiracy theory.

Today’s Konspiracy Question.

Is the world being run by shape shifting lizards?

Our Answer: No. It isn’t
FROM THE ARCHIVES.

Feast yourself on these pre-loved classics from my old website Why do women need so many shoes? Find the answer in my GUIDE TO WOMEN Learn how BILL AND BEN were a front end for Maoist fanatics and the true terrifying meaning of flob-a-lob. Read the devastating LOVE STORY about a boy in love with a girl who cares nothing for Flipper the insensitive bitch. Also read about THE DANGERS OF COMMUNISM and why Putin is not the shy, sensitive type he appears on the surface. Boney M better than the Beatles worse than Banananarama. Find the truth behind their GREATEST HITS You thought Star Wars was the greatest thing since sliced breadmen from Tattoine. Read my STAR WARS page to find out the horrible truth. Ronald Reagan used the dark powers to decide whether to bomb Russia or have a day off. Destiny awaits you at my GUIDE TO YOUR STARS page. It wasn’t always easy for the world’s greatest artists, such as myself. Read how even the greatest artists suffered endless REJECTION LETTERS Johnny Foreigner is not so bad but don’t understand our English ways. My GUIDE FOR FOREIGNERS will soon put them straight. Still reading those old NURSERY RHYMES to your children. You need to wise up to their sinister propagandist intent. Do you suffer from Deja Vu? Do you also suffer from Deja Vu? Might it be that you’re DRINKING TOO MUCH? Do you have trouble distinguishing boiled beef from carrots. You need to LEARN TO SPEAK COCKNEY I am a man of letters. In fact have sixteen letters in my name and that’s just for starters. Checkout my LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

© Pete Barrett 2021