Pete Barrett Plays and More
One Act Plays
MOLE I’ve got this other graph to show you. I think it might help, you see, if we step back a bit. (TYPES AT HIS KEYBOARD) This graph plots the long lunch hours you and Miss Richards took over the last two years. See. Fairly consistent at first. Then, over the last few months, a slow, but distinct, decline. I’ll just put a trend line on it, like so, extend the axis and… you see, your affair is going to end the minute that trend line hits the horizontal axis. Which is. 10:30 on the 2nd February next year.
DAVIES That just ridiculous.
MOLE I’m joking. I don’t know the actual time. Just the day.
DAVIES That just ridiculous.
MOLE I’m joking. I don’t know the actual time. Just the day.
Winner of the Sky Blue Theatre Award and filmed by Mini Mammoth Films
ALICE: My mother actually expects me to spend my Christmas morning sweating over 20lbs of dead flesh. Matthew has a turkey. If she wants a turkey why can’t she go to him. My sister-in-law cooks a perfect turkey. And mum’s always going on about what a success he is – He’s got his own business, kids in public school – Of course that’s why he can’t visit her. Because he’s so busy isn’t he. Whereas me, I’m not too busy. I have all the time in the world to spend with my mother. Because I’m just a housewife. And not even a very good housewife at that.
PROSECUTOR Mothers and daughters are always closer.
ALICE Are they? Is that a law or something? I mean, when was it passed? I don’t remember the debate in Parliament. Who made it a law?
Originally performed at the Wolsey Theatre Ipswich and Sky Blue Theatre in London
Freud faces his ultimate challenge as he clears up the devil’s hangups (2M.30 mins)
FREUD So after five years of psychoanalysis – Do you feel better?
MR BUB Better than what?
FREUD Better than you felt before.
MR BUB Oh yes. I used to have these terrible headaches, used to last for days on end. I had to lie in a dark room wearing ear plugs.
FREUD It is true the mind can manifest psychological hurt as actual, physical pain.
MR BUB Yes, he definitely sorted out the headaches. (BEAT) Of course having that bullet removed from my skull also helped a bit.
FREUD So after five years of psychoanalysis – Do you feel better?
MR BUB Better than what?
FREUD Better than you felt before.
MR BUB Oh yes. I used to have these terrible headaches, used to last for days on end. I had to lie in a dark room wearing ear plugs.
FREUD It is true the mind can manifest psychological hurt as actual, physical pain.
MR BUB Yes, he definitely sorted out the headaches. (BEAT) Of course having that bullet removed from my skull also helped a bit.
International Premier still available
Two Russian soldiers are waiting for Godot in missile silo in Siberia (40 minutes.1F2M)
NICOLAI Now we must do the missile count. According to my records you have one missile.
ANATOLE Yes.
NICOLAI No, no, comrade it is not sufficient to say ‘Yes’. We must complete the missile count according to the Missile Count Procedure Protocol. Are you ready to commence the Missile Count Procedure?
NATOLE Yes.
NICOLAI Commence the Missile Count Procedure.
NATOLE One.
NICOLAI Correct. That concludes the Missile Count Procedure.
NICOLAI Now we must do the missile count. According to my records you have one missile.
ANATOLE Yes.
NICOLAI No, no, comrade it is not sufficient to say ‘Yes’. We must complete the missile count according to the Missile Count Procedure Protocol. Are you ready to commence the Missile Count Procedure?
NATOLE Yes.
NICOLAI Commence the Missile Count Procedure.
NATOLE One.
NICOLAI Correct. That concludes the Missile Count Procedure.
Shortlisted in the British Theatre Challenge. International Premier still available. Hurry, while there’s still time.
NORMAN I’ve spent forty years staring at the soles of people’s feet. It’s long enough, isn’t it. You only get 20 years for armed robbery.
JOY Podiatry. What sort of job was that? He should have been a surgeon. We’d have had that house years ago. It’s name your salary in the private sector.
NORMAN I’ve done the job long enough. I needed to stop to preserve some vestige of dignity. Dignity. (PATTING HIS POCKETS) Now where on Earth did I leave my dignity?
JOY Podiatry. What sort of job was that? He should have been a surgeon. We’d have had that house years ago. It’s name your salary in the private sector.
NORMAN I’ve done the job long enough. I needed to stop to preserve some vestige of dignity. Dignity. (PATTING HIS POCKETS) Now where on Earth did I leave my dignity?
The knives are out when a middle class couple meet their prospective daughter-in-law. Meanwhile their house is surrounded by troublemakers.Runner up for the Kenneth Branagh Award for New Drama Writing 2015, in the Ronald Duncan Prize at the Certainty of Chance Theatre Company and in the Headgate Theatre Colchester short play competition.”Dawn of the Deaf was an excellent script. It was incredibly funny with some very well-crafted characters. The dialogue was hilarious” (Certainty of Chance Theatre)