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    Obituaries

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    And so farewell Barbara Windsor.
    You were landlady at the Old Vic.
    Get out of my pub, that was your catchphrase,
    A packet of Smokey Bacon crisps does not qualify,
    As a substantial meal.
    You were in a series of Carry On films, it says here.
    Having watched a few now, I think they should be banned
    Immediately, if not sooner.
    They make no sense.
    Why, when a lady is walking,
    Is there always a man playing a saxophone nearby.
    Be realistic, what are the chances of that happening?
    “Phwoar! Don't get many of them to the pound.”
    Is a pointless phrase if you don't specify the commodity involved.
    Saying “Ding Dong” when a young lady walks by,
    Is offensive to both feminists, and to a lesser extent, bellringers.
    "Are you satisfied with your equipment, Miss Allcock?"
    "Well, I've had no complaints so far."
    Who is Miss Allcock and what is the nature of her equipment?
    And why is Kenneth Williams lusting after Hattie Jacques
    When she's huge and he's a homosexual?
    And why does everyone say
    “Oooo, Matron!” All the time?
    I think we should be told.

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