I’m not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don’t even like the Pape.
My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy.
I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all.
My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed outside a kebab shop.
I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration.
I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted.
Two cows were talking. One said, ‘Moo’ and the other said, ‘There you go again.’
Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring.
Two pigs were talking. One said. ‘I’m not happy.’ and the other said, ‘No shit.”
Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we.
I’ve given up converting fractions to decimals I just can’t see the point.
I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch.
I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not? He said, It’s the thin end of the veg.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench.
I’m no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating
I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit.
Where not to live if you’ve got a stutter Kirkcudbright.
Two frogs were talking. One said, ‘Ribbet, ribbet’ and the other said, ‘Heard it!’
I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films.
Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’
Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell.
Do you know what’s a good thing for a headache – banging your head against the wall.
I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare.
On my bedroom wall I have a 3D painting of a fat, bald, deluded ex-president. It is my Trump L’Oeil.
I’m against binge drinking. In fact, I don’t even like binge
Isn’t time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it’s not rocket science
A bloke came up to me and said, ‘Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn’t make any sense.
Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: – ‘We’re going to hang you.’
Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn’t see that one coming.
I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, ‘I think this must be my case.’ He said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’
An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual.Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git.
Where to go if you’re a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam.
You can’t have your cake and eat it, unless of course you’re bulimic.
My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again?
A friend asked if I’d like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone.
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