I’ve given up converting fractions to decimals I just can’t see the point. I read that book Is It Just Me Or Is Everything Shit by Steve Low and Alan McArther. It was shit. Prince Andrew got caught relieving himself in the street after a pub crawl. It was the Royal we. A bloke came up to me and said, ‘Hick, hock, diddly squat, banana. It just didn’t make any sense. An introvert is a quiet, reserved, and thoughtful individual.Whereas an extrovert is just an irritating git. Had all my family and relations over for Christmas. It was kin hell. Bit of luck – my Gran has just landed a spot on Jules Holland’s New Years Eve show. She’s going to play Stairway to Heaven on horns collected from vintage cars. Yes she’s the Hooternanny My friend died of a broken heart. He got stabbed outside a kebab shop. I got done for GBH. Nobody told me you were only allowed to hit people on the head. I have a really good watch but it only works close to my house. Must be a neighbourhood watch. I was searching for my dog for weeks and then I ran into him at the bus stop. It was my serendipity dog. (For our younger viewers, Deputy Dawg was a sixties cartoon series) Went to see Tenet which is all about people travelling back in time. Watched it all, and then left before it started. Bastards wouldn’t give me my money back though. Do you know a good thing for a headache – banging your head against the wall. Isn’t time we got a man on Mars. I mean, come on guys, it’s not rocket science You can’t have your cake and eat it, unless of course you’re bulimic. They say the pen is mightier than the sword, but only if you go straight through the eye socket with a biro. I had to give up using my favourite tool in my tool box. I have to admit, it was a wrench. My uncle used to raise horses but gave it up when they got too heavy. I’m no fan of Poison Ivy. To be honest I find it irritating You think I’m paranoid. You should see the bloke who keeps following me. Two ducks were talking. One said, ‘Quack,’ and the other said, ‘No I’m not, I’m a fully qualified gynecologist.’ Two cows were talking. One said, ‘Moo’ and the other said, ‘There you go again.’ Two frogs were talking. One said, ‘Ribbet, ribbet’ and the other said, ‘Heard it!’ Two chickens were talking. One said, ‘Bwark, bwark.’ and the other said, ‘Who are you calling chicken.’ Two bats were talking. One said, ‘How’s the eyesite?’ and the other said, ‘Not good, but I can probably make it to Barnard Castle.’ Two Whooping Cranes were talking. One said,’Whoop, whoop’. The other said,’ Look I’m getting pissed off with you pretending you’ve won the lottery. Two pigs were talking. One said. ‘I’m not happy.’ and the other said, ‘No shit.” Went to see The Invisible Man last week. What an ending! I didn’t see that one coming. I saw that film Parasite. I tell you, it grows on you. I offered my friend a carrot. He said, No. I said, Why not?He said, It’s the thin end of the veg. Worst place to go for tea and scones: Boston. Best place to go with a dicky tummy. Cork. Best place to go with Godzilla. Wrexham Best place to take Marlon Brando. The Mumbles. Where to go if you enjoy following rabbits underground. Edinburgh. Where to live if you’re not very good at spelling. Hul Where to go if you’re going mad. Barking. Where to go if you hate Val Doonigan. Haltwhistle Where to go if you’re very rich but also comparatively small. Lowestoft Where does Prince Andrew need to go for his tarts. Bakewell Where to go if you’re a small rodent with a keen interest in hydro-electric power generation. Amsterdam. Where to go if you need a new bell for your bicycle. Tring. Where to take your cat if it has a cold. Mogadishu. Where to go if you’re a bit hardup. Norwich. Where to go if your large busted and recently won a beauty contest. Winchester. Where to go if you’re claustrophobic. Exeter Where to go if you’re seeing less of your friends recently Bath Where not to live if you’ve got a stutter Kirkcudbright. My friend told me he took his Llama to the vet in Pakistan. I said, Islamabad? He said, Yes, he can hardly walk. He said, I bought this African cat and it won’t stop sneezing. I said, Where did you get it? He said, Mogadishu. He said, I’ve got this bloke who does odd jobs round the house. Trouble is he’s barefoot, bald and wears a loincloth. I said, He must be your Ghandi-man. He said, Are you worried about Global Warming? I said, Not since I moved it away from the radiator. I’m not in favour of the papacy. In fact I don’t even like the Pape. I said to the waiter, Do you have any ice-cream for mice? He said, We’ve got Tom and Jerry’s. I said, Any other ice creams? He said, I’ve got a Magnum. I said, So have I mate, but I don’t keep going on about it. I said, What’s the soup of the day? He said, Cock-a-leekie. I said, No I just spilled water on my trousers. I said, Have you got any unusual sugars? He said, Demarara I said, Yes I imagine they are. My dad was keen on racing pigeons. Unfortunately the pigeons always beat him. I asked this DJ, What ever happened to Bros? He said, It was the usual thing – too much money. All the success went to their heads. They had big houses, chauffeurs, personal chefs. I said, it’s always the same, isn’t it: too many cooks spoil the Bros. I bought a nocturnal horse. It was a nightmare. However when I bought a motorbike, it was a triumph. I went to the cinema to see Cats. But apparently they only show films. I went to cafe for a milk shake. They said they were short staffed so they gave me a glass of milk and told me to shake it myself. I went to the butcher and asked for some pheasants. They said do you want a brace? I said I can stand up on my own, thanks. I said I’d like some meat. They said poultry? I said no, a big bit. I said, do you have pork crackling. They said the belly pork rumbles a bit. My local fish restaurant has a very limited menu. I said not whale meat again? My short-sighted dog chased after a squirrel. I said you’re barking up the wrong tree. I went to the Odeon for 1917. They said you’re two hours early, mate. I’ve been sorting out my book shelves. So far I’ve done Literature, Geography, Science, Biography. And the rest is History. The number you have dialled is busy. To use ring back, please open one of your major arteries so we can drain your blood and dry out your flesh so we eat it later. I’m getting fed up with all this moaning about this giant comet which is a headed on a collision course with Earth at 20,000 miles per second. Let’s get it in perspective people – it’s not the end of the world. I dreamt I was swallowed by a whale so I decided not to follow my dreams after all. I’ve just been reading this cookery book written by members of the aristocracy. There’s one recipe I’m keen to try: Lady Chatterley’s Liver. I’ve been sorting out my bookcase. I’ve thrown away all my books on science, geography and cooking. And the rest is history. I have a problem with this large bird coming into my house at night smashing ornaments and rearranging the furniture. Must be a poltergoose. So to cheer myself I went out to a restaurant and called the waiter over Are your eggs free range? Yes, they can go anywhere they like. Do the potatoes come au gratin? No, you have pay for them like everyone else. Do you serve hot dogs? I think you want the Korean restaurant next door. What are the specials? They’re a ska band from Coventry. What about minestrone? We only have the large stronies tonight. Is the salmon poached? No, we buy it at the fish shop. I see you have langoustines. Yes, that’s why I have the special shampoo. Pea Soup? Just in the regular bowl, please Can I see the cheese board? I’m afraid none of them are in tonight. Pork Belly, sir? You’re not exactly skinny yerself, mate. Is the duck a l’orange? We have one left but I don’t know his name. I think I’ll have the turkey. Do you want stuffing? Not if you want a tip. I was arrested the other day by a blond policewoman. It was a fair cop. She said I was wanted in six counties although the others weren’t so keen on me. I was charged with stealing luggage. I asked for 47 other cases to be taken into consideration. She asked me to come quietly, but I didn’t because I didn’t hear her. She said she was taking me back to the station. I asked her if I’d be in time for the 10:15. She said, ‘Do you answer to the name Jones?’ I said, ‘I can if you like.’ I asked her how she addressed triplets. She said ‘allo, ‘allo, ‘allo. I asked her why so many policeman are called Robert. She said, ‘We need more bobbies on the beat.’ I was actually good friends with a constable. When I saw him on the street I used to shout. ‘Hey Wayne.’ I met a bloke in a wig on my way to the courtroom. I said, ‘I think this must be my case.’ He said, ‘I’ll be the judge of that.’ When the jury came back, the judge asked them if they’d reached a verdict. They said, no, it was still stuck on the top shelf. The judge asked them if the verdict was unanimous. The foreman said, ‘No, but we all agreed.’ Luckily the judge only gave me a short sentence: – ‘We’re going to hang you.’ I said, ‘Stone me!’. He said, ‘We can do it that way if you like.’ I asked if I could get time off for good behaviour. He said, ‘We can do it Tuesday if that’s any help.’ Finally I got fed up writing gags and I took my dad for a game of golf. It was pa for the course. I’ve been accused of binge drinking, which is strange because I don’t even like binge. A friend asked if I’d like one for the road and I said Yes, and he gave me a traffic cone. I was in a bar and asked the barman, Do you have an ice bucket? and he said We did but it melted. I asked him if he had a wine list and he said, Yeah I hate this job and the pay is rubbish. I asked the barman for a whisky. He said On the rocks? I said no I’ll drink it here They say you shouldn’t drink on an empty stomach and I never do. I find chairs much more comfortable. On the way my car broke down so I called the AA. They suggested their 12 step program so I said Well that’s not enough to get home. I’ve recently I’ve been travelling all over the country with a black marker pen. I mean, you’ve got to draw a line somewhere. I never did very well with my school subjects. History – well, it’s a thing of the past, isn’t it? Geography – I never knew where I was with it. Foreign Languages – they were all Greek to me. Religious Studies – God knows what that was about. I couldn’t get the point in Geometry – they always seemed to be looking for some new angle. I couldn’t get very excited in sex education. Chemistry, all a bit formulaic, wasn’t it? In Biology, when it came to frogs, I just couldn’t cut it. I could never seem to hit the nail on the head in woodwork, and I found Metalwork less than riveting. I felt no need to experiment with Science. Music was always a bit flat. I couldn’t tackle Rugby and I never seem to get anywhere with cross-country. Frankly, as a pupil, I lacked focus. Every night they made us do homework. I built an extension. I didn’t enjoy assembly. I could never understand the instructions. I couldn’t play cricket. But I did a pretty good ant. Every time I was naughty, I was given the slipper. Now I’ve got 534 slippers. I’ve always been amusing. In fact my teachers said I was a half-wit My mum used to say I had green fingers. I can’t help it if I’m a frog. My dad reckoned I was lexdysit I come from a long line of policemen. We were queuing for the truncheons My grandad died in the trenches. I told him digging trenches was a rubbish job. I looked into my family tree. All I could see was a load of wood. I was invited to do Who Do You Think You Are on the BBC. But I already had a name badge so I didn’t bother. . Apparently they don’t grow tea in Yorkshire. Ripoff or what? I tried computer dating, but I couldn’t find any computers I fancied. I thought that HP was a bit saucy. Thought about the Sinclair Spectrum but it would never have worked. IBM. Who you? I went out on a date. Came back on a prune. I pushed the Esc key and it built a tunnel. I pushed the Caps Lock button and now I can’t get my hat off. I pushed the Enter button and then I lost Cntl. What do you give the man who has everything – A big scratch down the side of his Mercedez What about bridges – isn’t it about time we got over them. Manure – that’s a heap of s**t isn’t it. Left – well it’s not right is it? Paedophilia – You’ve got to be kidding. Dwarves – they’re not up to much, are they? Do you know what’s good for headaches – banging your head against the wall This bloke comes up to me in the street. He was 10 foot tall, massive head. legs the size of tree trunks, Hands the size of shovels. he comes up to me and says ‘You’re always exaggerating, you.’ A man goes into the train station. He says ‘I want a ticket for my cat’. The bloke says ‘We don’t do tickets for cats. We only do ‘em for dogs, Why’s that, He says, ‘You can’t train cats.’ I went to the doctor the other day. I told him, ‘Every day I wake up and I’m a different part of the body. I woke up on Monday, and I was a foot, Tuesday I was an arm, Wednesday I was a hand. The doctor says, ‘You want to quit while you’re ahead.’ A man goes into the hospital. He says ‘I’ve tried to commit shoeicide’ Don’t you mean suicide. No my feet are killing me. I saw my neighbour in the garden the other days. She’s got huge tits. I said, ‘You’re givin’ too much bird seed, missus.’ A Republican spokesman said today: ‘Many people are worried that we have a loudmouthed, peabrained, deranged lunatic in the White House. This simply is not true. In fact he’s currently playing golf in Mar-a-Lago. White House staff are making efforts to stop President Trump from tweeting. So they’ve taken away his cuttlefish and put a cover over his cage. I saw my neighbour in the garden the other days. She’s got huge tits. I said, ‘You’re givin’ too much bird seed, missus.’
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