Sketches
999

You can’t have a fire brigade at the moment because they’re all on strike. And you can’t have the police because they’re dealing with an alleged racist remark. Apparently somebody mispronounced the word ‘Niger’ in a talk about Nigeria. ninenine
FERAPY

MAGISTRATE: You see , my dilemma is, how do I distinguish an unfortunate man suffering a borderline personality disorder from a man who is a perpetual thief who turns up in my court on a regular basis and has (Consults his notes) 193 previous convictions. Not including the ones we are considering today ferapy
ANGRY

SHOPPER: You’re wearing the shirt, so you must work here. You’re standing behind the counter and by the till, which leads me to believe you’re the shopkeeper or a member of staff. And, by the way, four eyes is an insult you make about people with glasses and I am not wearing glasses. angry
BOOTS ON THE GROUND

The thing is we don't need to worry about defence. There's countries in the Middle East that get invaded every ten minutes. But we haven't been invaded since 1066. Anyway we have an agreement with the French unions to blockade the ports, if necessary. They'll drive tractors round the roundabouts until the invaders give up and go home. boots
DOCTOR WHAT?

DOCTOR: Oh, don't take any notice of her. What does she know? She’s just a nurse. She hasn’t even got a stethoscope. Or a white coat. doctor
THE DEAD PARROT SKETCH

SALESMAN: So, now, what have we got here: Yes, just as I thought: dead parrot, four candles, left handed hammer, replacement bubble for a spirit level, chocolate teapot, motor bike ash tray, tartan paint, metric adjustable spanner. parrot
PORKIE PIES

DAVE: Mind you, I had the plague last week.

FRANK: What, the Bubonic Plague?

DAVE: Yeah.

FRANK: Don't you usually die of that? porkie
RED RED WINE

MEL:Oh no, no. I don't mean you come across as gay. I mean, I can tell you're a real man, just looking at you. No, I just thought when you mentioned not liking football or riding a bike...

MIKE: Gays don't ride bikes then?

MEL: Not usually, no. wine
THE ARTIST

PAINTER Indeed it is. Indeed it is. On this very day I shall commence a canvas of a vast beautiful landscape, with verdant hills and with a mighty river flowing through the valley between. Or perhaps I could portray a great ship on the storm-tossed ocean. Or our Lord at the crucifixion. The possibilities are endless. artist
NOT A LOT YOU CAN DO ABOUT THAT

INTERVIEWER: Right. Rather than working my way though my list of major issues and conference decisions, perhaps we could summarise by saying, should you form the next government, you are basically going to do nothing at all because there's not a lot you can do about anything. notalot
GOD KNOWS

GOD: Look. If they think I'm up here running the show, they'll start blaming me, instead of blaming the idiots who've made all the mess in the first place, namely the entire human race. I mean I only built two of 'em and now there's 9 billion. What do they think they are, bloody termites? notalot
NOAH

GOD: Celia, can we make it rain for forty days and forty nights and flood the entire earth?

RECEPTIONIST: No

GOD: That's what I thought.

noah
HYPOCONDRIAC

MR WILLIAMS: I mean, it’s not unusual to have a series of illnesses, one after another, is it?

DOCTOR WRIGHT: With a compromised immune system, it's true, a series of different illnesses and symptoms can happen. But they don't usually, if ever, occur in alphabetical order. hypo
THE END

HEALTH SECRETARY: But that does assume the electorate consists of deluded idiots, who'll believe anything we tell them.

PM: Is that an actual problem?

HEALTH SECRETARY: I suppose not, really. end
WAITRESS

WAITRESS: I notice she didn’t have any trouble finishing her wine. You need to watch that. One minute she’ll be opening a bottle of wine every night, the next she’ll be in the park, swigging Special Brew, and shouting 'You're all bastards' at the passers by. I've seen it happen. waitress
THE DOCTOR'S RECEPTIONIST

MILLER: I think, that man, in the consulting room is, in fact, the doctor, and the man sitting in front of him is a patient, and the note the doctor just passed over is a prescription and all this business about chair inspectors is a complete cobblers. recept
THE CRIME SYMPATHY UNIT

MICHAEL: …and the next time I’m a crime victim, do you think you could send someone who might, in some tiny way, be of the slightest bit of use in dealing with the crime, rather than sending someone who’s a totally useless waste of time and space. sympathy
THE CLAIM

CLAIMANT: Just reassure me please, would you. Are there any circumstances. At all. Ever. In which I can claim and get some money from this policyvideo
THE WEDDING VIDEO

MICHAEL: This is our wedding video. Not a feature film. We just want you to film it.

MARCUS Oh I see. You think it's a bit too much, a bit too pernickety, maybe dial it down a quarter.

MICHAEL: Yes. We can't keep doing it over and over again. This is the fourth time.claim
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THE VET

THE VET: Well, yes and no. On the plus side there’s no sign of canine disease or injury here, but on the downside, these symptoms are easily explained by the fact that this is not a dog. It’s a potato. vet
THE TICKET INSPECTOR

INSPECTOR I don't make the rules.

PASSENGER: Are you absolutely sure about that because from where I'm standing they appear to have been written by an imbecile. ticket
THE PARK REBOOT

MR HURST: Parks have got a bit boring in recent years. All they seem to consist of, is a lot of of old trees, and grass, and flowers

COUNCILLOR: I see. Although it must be said that a park is actually defined as a place with flowers, trees and grass. That's what we understand a park to be, generally speaking. park
HEALTH AND SAFETY

Fling yourself out of the aeroplane. Have you gone completely bonkers? People can’t go flinging themselves out of aeroplanes. No. No. The correct procedure is for the plane to land, the escape chutes to be deployed and passengers move towards the exit in an orderly line, wearing, but not inflating, their life vests. park
ANY MOMENT NOW
Quite a few French people in the crowd today. The French of course are ardent admirers of our Royals. They have no such equivalent as these magnificent ceremonies in their, it must be said, rather smelly country. You can’t have much of a stately event, of course, if all the Royal heads are rolling about in a basket… park