Pete Barrett Plays and More

15 Minute Plays

Robert thinks he’s God’s gift to women. He forgets that God has a sense of irony.

Ellie: So – you’re an expert on seducing women. I can’t say I’d noticed.

Robert: I’ve had my moments, when I was young, before we met, as a matter of fact. Got a few notches on my pistol in those days, I can tell you.

Ellie: Really. I assumed they were warts.

Dave has a new neighbour – a well known local villain – and is soon in his debt

DAVE: Not a big deal. I’ve been out there burying a body.

JULIE Yes. So.

DAVE: A body, Julie, a body.

JULIE: Wait a minute, wait a minute. What exactly are you saying you’ve just done?

DAVE: I keep telling you – I’ve buried a body. And you knew all about it. I must say I find your attitude bloody extraordinary. I’ve just buried a body for Chrissake.
A rich northern couple move into a quaint village but it is not the idyl they expected.
VICAR I don’t think we’ve met, have we?

HARRIS No we haven’t. We only moved t’village a month ago.

VICAR Really? And will we be seeing you in church?

HARRIS Not while I’m still breathin’. You’ll ‘ave to forgive my plain speaking. I’m from the North.

VICAR Really? Who’d’ve thought?
A father takes over a failing football team and they start to win gain. But at what cost?
Chalkie Oh really. Well I’ll tell what, you can give ‘em a message from me. It’s cold. It’s wet. It’s Saturday afternoon and I’ve got a thousand better things I could be doing than trying to turn these kids into footballers just because their stupid ignorant parents think they’ve bred a dozen David Beckhams. And if you think you can do better with this lot, then be my guest because I’m off. I’m going shopping with the wife and I never thought I’d say this, but I’m quite looking forward to it. (LEAVING)
A keen young supermarket buyer explains farming to a farmer who has seen it all
MATT It’s Buy one. Get One Free. You see, Will, from our perspective, there’s two types of people who come into our stores. The ones who came in to buy bacon. And the ones who didn’t. Now it’s easy enough to sell bacon to the ones that came into buy bacon. But what if we could also sell bacon, to people who didn’t come in to buy bacon. Sales of bacon would go though the roof. That is the simple beauty that is BOGOF.
A rich landowner confronts a tresspasser

STUMPY Well I would very much like to. But I’m afraid I can’t.

RADSHAW Why not?

STUMPY You said I can’t use your land as a footpath


STUMPY But, in order to get off your land, I’m going to have to use it as a footpath. So as far as I understand it, the only way I can get off your land without actually walking on it, is to ascend vertically. And the only person I know who can ascend vertically is Jesus. And even he probably only did it metaphorically.
Linda’s friend leaves his briefcase behind. Why is he begging her not to open it?
KERRY . Just accept it, birthdays are crap. You get a few totally unfunny cards, a couple of presents you don’t want. And you have to buy everyone cakes in the office. Oh yes, and you get to be a year older, so you’re even more of an ugly old maid, rejected by men. Except the ones who should be in a freak show.

LINDA But I like birthdays. I like unfunny cards and rubbish presents. And I like cakes in the office. I’ve always look forward to my birthday. You never know. I might have some aunt somewhere I don’t know about who’s going to send me a lovely present.

© Pete Barrett 2021